The jigsaw finally fits, but has the challenge just begun?
I’m finding it very strange to be writing this aged 41 and feel that my journey is just beginning.
The past week has been a tornado, starting with problems at work. I’m a project manager, have been for several years, but whilst in previous jobs I’ve managed to keep it all together thjs current post has pushed me over the edge. My manager threatened me with disciplinary action last week because I’d forgotten to follow up on a load of actions and emails. I went into his office to meet him, totally unsuspecting, and he had a document open listing all the things I’d done wrong in the past few weeks. I’d always done well in other jobs- or at least managed to look like I was coping, pulling projects off somehow- so to be criticised was a massive shock. The difference in this job is that it’s LOADS more money, more responsible and in a busy organisation where my manager loves paperwork, policies and procedures. I’d never worked anywhere requiring so much process and planning before, and coupled with a demanding team, pre teen daughter, recent house move and turbulent relationship everything got too much.
My boss questioned my organisational skills and whether the job was right for me. He said I was bright, enthusiastic, creative and passionate but he needed his next in line to be super organised- which I’m not. I muddle through. I was upset but took it on board, and did some research.
I grew up with epilepsy and although I know I’m bright and funny, sometimes life just feels too much.
I can’t sleep because I hear everything in and outside the house; I can’t have a conversation with someone if there’s another going on nearby; I forget anything that I haven’t written down, and often forget where I’ve written things; my impatience and inability to queue go far beyond normal and I’m (according to my partner, who is also a complicated nightmare) a total drama queen. Almost every day I want to scream. But I just thought it was normal because that’s what I have been like all my life! Everyone has always thought of me as “lovely but scatty”; laughably disorganised and chaotic.
I’ve been reading up as much as I can, but want to ask, do I have to unlearn everything I know? Can I develop new coping strategies easily or will it take ages, and cause more stress? Should I take Ritalin and if so will it be awful?
Thanks for listening! Any advice welcome x
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