Depression and ADHD
The rut of all ruts, and the hopelessness that follows
I have been struggling with depression for about 11 years, and went undiagnosed for ADHD until about 7 months ago. I take adderall and Lexapro, but have been on about 5 different antidepressants with little/no help from them. When i first started adderall, It was like I was a superwoman. I could think clearly, I was kinder and enthusiastic, and I could actually start/finish things. I remember going into class the first time taking adderall and walking out of it like “Holy cow, this is what school is like for normal people?” things seemed to be going well, but recently my problem is that my depression has became unbearable, I have spiraled down into complete hopelessness and no motivation to even pick up a piece of paper on the ground if i drop it. I have been extremely impulsive and self-destructive.. Even with taking adderall, I’ll just become a focused depressed person who has no control over my own mind. I look to others for happiness and have no self-awareness, I am only 20 years old, but really been talking to my doctor about the possibility of having borderline personality disorder. I have been suicidal from the lack of feeling inside myself besides sadness. I feel as if I almost want to be depressed, I can tell myself,“just be productive, do your priorities so you will no longer worry.” I can see clearly if i just get going and help myself my life will be better. But I rather lay in bed and wonder why I have to be me. I am in such a rut and I have no idea how to get out of it because I can’t start nor stick with things to attempt to get better. Has anyone else ever had this problem? How has one gotten past that and moved forward in life?
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