One of the things I’m learning is that I don’t have to please anyone except myself. I may want to please some people, because it makes me happy to please them (or rather I want to please them because it’s an expression of my love for them) but it shouldn’t be ought of a sense of obligation or guilt. For example, I want to do things for my wife because I love her. I want to do things on my job as an expression of my love for the job and my coworkers. When there are things I feel I ought to be doing for other people out of a sense of obligation or guilt, then I’m trying to change those things so I don’t feel so pressured. This has taken a lot of pressure off me. It aligns with my principle to, “Be gentle with myself.” I concern myself less with what other people think—or rather, what I think other people might be thinking.

Which brings me to another point. I’m discovering that people often aren’t really thinking what I think they’re thinking. I may think they’ll judge me because of how I do something or don’t do something, or even if I do something or not. The truth is that other people don’t think about me as much as I tend to think they do. It’s amazing how often when I ask questions to try to confirm the way someone is thinking about me that I’ll get a response, of “Oh, I hadn’t noticed.” Fortunately, other people’s world’s don’t center around us as much as we think they do.

I consciously choose not to associate with people who condemn me, criticize me, and call me names. I’m an adult. I may have had to put with that when I was a child, but I don’t have to any more. I do think it’s helpful to tell people why you don’t want to hang out with them. In the case of your mom, it’s a matter of telling her that she can either accept you the way you are or not, but you aren’t going to be around her when she’s putting you down and criticizing you. I know it will be hard at first, but it gets easier over time. This doesn’t mean that you aren’t around that person at all, but that you walk away when they become judgmental.

I don’t think it’s important that anyone accept that our behavior is the result of ADHD. I do think it’s important that people accept us just as we are though (and that includes the accepting the challenges caused by our ADHD). It sounds like your mother needs to understand that neatness (or anything else she criticizes you for) isn’t as important to you (maybe at this time in your life) as it is to her. Since it is important to her, perhaps she should take care of that area. It might make her feel useful and needed and would take the pressure off you. It could even become something you do together—working with someone is a great ADHD coping mechanism. So maybe the next time she comes into town, the two of you can spend the first hour tidying up the apartment together; she obviously enjoys cleaning and it sounds like you want to do better but could use the help.

Good luck!

I am a 35 year old woman with a 17 year old daughter and I have ADHD but was diagnosed in adulthood 2003 but as I got older especially the last couple of years the symptoms have been very bad to where I drive 2 hours to see a psychiatrist and a psychologist because I live in a small town where no one treats nor understands ADHD. These discussions on here have been a major help for me. I totally understand what you have written because I relate to all of it. I just want to say or write a few things for you. First of all you and I both know that lazy is an absolutely incorrect term to label upon us. If the “normal” person could step into our brains for just a minute they would understand that. We have been labeled our entire lives with so many false,unfair terms that eventually we see ourselves as others label us. Its sad because I think that we are in general extremely intelligent people but our brains are just wired differently than those who created many routine activities or guidelines on to how a person should be in life. Time was created by man, linear time, we all know ADHD people have trouble with this concept. We procrastinate and are always late and no matter how much harder we try it is still the same result. So, we have try different, not harder. Our concept of time is not wrong, its just not the same as the ones who designed the “normal” time which is linear time. If anything the fact that we have to struggle every day to live life as we are “supposed” to because everyone else does makes us stronger, smarter and more compassionate people. Its not easy living with this especially looking back on how many years of my life have been negatively effected and wasted due to the undiagnosed ADHD. The good news is we have now and we can try a different way until we find what works best for us. If you feel your psychiatrist is not helping you enough then I would research and find another with this specialty. The hardest part for me was trying to explain to the ones around me in my life that I have this disorder because so many people are doubters and pass judgement especially the ones who gave us these labels of negativity. I presented my mother who I feel was always the most doubtful of me and my life decisions with facts on ADHD. I have researched and self educated like crazy. I hyperfocus on this because the more you know the better you are equiped to help yourself and educate others around you. So last Thanksgiving my mother reveals to me that shes on a medication for the same thing. This is after me talking about my issues and ADHD for awhile. Even after she told me that she never would really talk about it with me. On my way to the doctor one day on the phone I was talking to her and told her about some new info I learned online about this and finally a breathrough. She opened up and started asking many questions about ADHD. I felt so good because I was finally able to help her and myself. I send her all the emails I get and the info online about it now. I think it will be hard to teach others around you and expect them to understand especially if they do not have it. You just have to keep trying your best and when something is just not working for you try a different way, not try harder, your already trying 3 times the “normal” person. There is help and support out there. You may have to seek and search and reach out online but its there. Posting this discussion is great because many people on here do understand.Keep your head up knowing you are a very special person and these false labels are not who you are. They are the words and thoughts of people who cannot possibly understand whats going on in that brilliant mind of yours. Take care and God bless you! I am here for you along with so many others.

Your concerns and questions are all very reasonable.

You have asked a lot of questions and I will give my opinion but you need to do what you feel is right for you.

First, If you are uncomfortable with your doctor than get a new one. Your relationship to your support team is the most important to making things work. When you loose faith then you won’t take their advice or even try a suggestion.

Clearly your mom cannot be part of your team until she decides to open her mind and heart and learn what she is talking about. Keep her away from your treatment and if she can’t love you the way you are and has to be this critical than she will be toxic to your recovery and undermine your self esteem.

Unfortunately many people who are diagnosed late and have a toxic environment develop other mental conditions that may need to be addressed. You should be assessed for other issues. Sometimes the medication clears up one issue and uncovers another. The most disabling should be addressed first and then secondary and so forth.

The science of medicating is complicated and I don’t think many doctors take the time (or have the time) to learn the new science or use a good evaluation tools to determine the effectiveness of the treatment.

It sounds like you are not medicated for the length of your day. You are coming down off the meds too soon. Adderall XR is designed to last 8 to 12 hours. If not than a single dose is too low and therefore not effective.

Many other factors may be at play but this should be a no brainer for a psychiatrist. A boost in the afternoon is not unusual and finding the right medicine for your brain chemistry along with the appropriate dosage can be a challenge.

There is no perfect solution and depending on other mental issues, metabolism, food intake and many other factors everyone require a different regime to be the most effective.

All off the literature suggests that multi-modal approach seems to work best. That means a combination of the appropriate RX and nutrition for you and some kind of behavioral therapy.

The RX allows your brain to function properly but does not teach or re-teach proper behavior. Sometimes you will know exactly what you should do but ingrained habits prevent you from doing what you know you need to.

Other situations you may not even understand the correct social behavior because it was irrelevant to you and you never learned it. See the “big bang theory”

None of this make you bad or wrong just who you are.

The definition of a disability is something that prevents you from accomplishing something you want or need to do. In the case of many with ADHD it is as if you keep finding stumbling blocks in your way. Some you put there and some are in-front of everybody but are harder for us to move out of the way.

Everyone is different and the solution you find what works is individual for you. Some of us can assign the task to someone else. Hire a cleaning person or assistant. But others you need to find a workaround or way to do the job yourself.

At 25 your resources are limited.  But if you think about the more experienced professional sales people you will see that they hire help. Sometimes to do the things that are not good uses of your time and in other cases what they are unwilling or unable to do.

See what office help you can get. If hiring someone allows you to make more sales and profit than it is an expense that your employer should understand.

Sometimes the help you need can be electronic other times a human is required. Your situation will determine what will work for you. It’s all about tools. Use the best most cost effective ones available.

As far as college is concerned your story is all too common. Without the proper meds and help your ability to complete the needed tasks is that much harder. You would be surprised with how much help is available to college students from the school and outside resources. Did you know that their are loads of college scholarships for students with ADHD?

I am concerned for you about your relationship with your mother. She is probably the reason you don’t live at home or at least moved out. This also makes college that much more difficult.

If she can’t or won’t be part of the solution than stay away from toxic situations and let her know in no uncertain words that you are an adult and she is being disrespectful to you.

At this point her ability to raise you is over. Either you have the right values and ability to make decisions on your own or you will learn them on your own. Her nagging will not help. Her duty is done. Now she needs to be your friend and provide the support and help she would a friend that is her age. That is the respect you deserve and should expect.

I seem to be on my own rant.

My point is that while it’s hard to change from being a parent to a peer or a child to a peer that is the way things need to be to allow for mutual respect. Sometimes it is very difficult for parents to let go.

ADHD is hereditary over 90% of the time. Is it your father or mother that has it? I bet your mother with a bit of OCD. Give her a break too. She may not be able to control herself. LOL

Good Luck.
Visit my website for lot’s of information like scholarships and medication techniques and hundreds of other resources that may be of help. Humor too. Some days we have to laugh.

Augie
http://addsherpa.com

You have brought up a problem that most people with ADD face on a regular basis. I am very blessed that my wife is not critical of my behavior because of my ADD and she accepts my quirks. It is totally different when it comes to my Dad, he knows I have ADD but has never bothered to find out for himself what it is. I also have Dysgraphia, so my handwriting is horrid, my dad is also a neat freak and has exceptional hand writing. So I kind of understand how you feel. I am now 51 and was diagnosed when I was 42. This is the way I feel, I think it is safe to say that our symptoms are not going to go away. Beating yourself up over something you did not ask for or can not control is not healthy. I have been called lazy, stupid, not willing to try harder and many other hurtful things. You Know better and that is what really counts. As far as medications go I am not a big fan, there are to many unknowns and side effects that if you are not needing them to help you get through school I would consider one or two of the alternative medications. I used strattera for along time and it ended up affecting my personality. Lately If have been taking a high dose of fish oil that is high in omega 3s. The brand is twin labs, and the product name is “mega twin EPA”, each 1200mg capsule contains 550mg of EPA and 215mg of DHA. I take a total of 4800 mgs a day split between to doses, one at 7:00 am and one at 10:00am. I have noticed that I seem to have better recall, memory retention and a little more energy at the end of the day. Fish Oil might be something to consider. Unfortunately Fish oil will not solve all your problems. I could write more but I think I will stop. I have said a prayer for you.
God bless you
Rancher John

I’m 56 and totally identify with everything you said. I take care of my animals when I get home and don’t have any energy for anything else.  On the weekends I have no energy or motivation. I go from one chore to the next and finally give up. I felt like someone has pulled my plug. I hope u find what works

There has been some great advice already given.  My first thought is that you are a quite normal ADHD person!  ADHD and ADD means our brains are wired differently.  Time and organization (executive functions of the brain) are very difficult for us.  We all have to figure out what things work for us.  That will be different with each person.

I wonder what would happen if you did some research on ADHD and laid it all out for your Mom and got everything out in the open including her negative comments and what they do to you.  If you told her these are my strengths, these are my weaknesses, if you would like to help, I would welcome…(whatever support you would like from her).  It seems like the ADHD secret is poisoning your very close relationship with your Mom.  I am going to make an assumption that she cares about you and wants the best for you.  Maybe some indepth ADHD education would help her with some understanding.  Her attitudes and comments are ignorant, hurtful and offensive.  Would you ask a schizophrenic to power through their delusions, or a depressed person to think themselves happy. No!  I hope you can get rid of the self loathing and shame.  If you need to find a good counselor to do that, it just may be money well spent.  Mental health issues are just as real as physical issues. 

You’re on the right path.  You want to understand your ADHD and find ways to compensate for difficult things.  Keep trying.  Build on your strengths.

First, I want to thank you.  Your writing was so powerful that you have generated numerous replies with great advice.  I am copying these emails on my computer to use this advice for myself.  You have started a great line of replies.

Second, I have found it best to take care of myself.  My family had problems where they also wanted to tell me how to live my life.  I kept letting them take over my life.  Then, they tried to take over my son’s life (he also has ADHD).  It was time to draw the line and don’t move it.

So, I’ve cut off a major portion of my family because they won’t accept that my son and I have ADHD.  They pushed too hard on me and my son, so I pulled out from them. 

It has turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done.  My son is doing great.  Well, he is doing normal, he is an 18 year old boy.  He has problems with cars.  I guess that’s normal.

Thank you all for your comments and advice.  I have contacted my family physician in order to discuss what the psycharist found.  I have decided that she is not really interested in helping me as an Adult with ADHD.  I told her that I thought the Adderall XR was working but I thought I needed the Adderall IR in the morning to get the inital go.  She replied, “I’m not giving you the IR because of the potential for abuse.”  Now, keep in mind, I have NO history of abuse of ANYTHING, much less prescription pills.  She also is constantly looking everything up on her iphone, so that leads me to believe that I know more about this than she does.  I know how I FEEL and WHAT works for me.  I want her to work WITH me to figure out a plan so that I can begin to think of this as an asset, not a disability.

As far as my mom goes, I really can’t cut her out of my life.  She is one of my best friends most of the time and it is just when it comes to my ADHD tendencies that we bump heads.  It’s just sometimes that the ADHD in my doesn’t understand why I have to be like this and why I can’t keep a freaking house clean.  I’m so glad that I found a forum like this because I thought that I was the only one out there who couldn’t just “mentally powerthrough” it.  I think that I am waiting on the right time to have all the information I need to present to her about the ADHD and a time when she is open to recieve it.  If she still sees all of it as an excuse then we will cross that bridge when we get there.  It was just me and her for a LONG time, and she wants me to be productive and successful, I know.  So, I think that if I have all the proof behind the pudding then she will want to become part of my support group and figure out a way to wrap her mind around it.

I’ve been listening to numerous podcasts aboutu the subject, and trying to read as much information as I can about it.  I think that was the mistake that I made when I was first diagnosed, I wanted the medication to do all the work for me.  Now I understand that I have to figure things out that work for ME and not just what everyone thinks that might waork for me. 

With all that said, are there certain times of day that you “come alive”?  Late at night, I can really get some stuff done…lol.  I want to sleep the whole rest of the day.  Also,  I was just wondering what everyone’s dosing schedule is like and what other supplements may help as well.

I also struggle constantly with keeping the house clean.  It’s a near impossibility, and I hate this about myself.  My husband is ex-military and I drive him nuts.  Plus we have 2 teenage boys so even when I do get it cleaned up somehwat it doesn’t last!  It’s something I constantly pray about and keep trying but it NEVER seems to get any easier.

I come alive at night too.  I get my best work done from 8-midnight but then I have to get up in the morning and I’m miserable and tired.

For me, exercise really helps clear my head - especially yoga.  I do the Biggest Loser Weight Loss Yoga - it’s 30 minutes, and it’s not easy, but my brain feels the best it’s ever felt when I’m done with it.

I’m also working with a personal trainer and doing 30 minutes cardio and lifting weights on alternate days helps.  I’m also 100 pounds overweight so I’m really emphasizing this and trying to eat whole foods and less crap.

From my experience, sugar sets me off.  It’s like I’m not even on my meds when I eat sugar.  I am miserable and it’s just not worth it.

I take metadate CD and also lexapro for depression and I don’t crash at night.  Yeah, I’m tired, but my moods are pretty even keel.  I really think the exercise helps.

I also go to counseling to deal with many, many unresolved issues from my past.  Let me tell you - that will really clear your head - digging through the pain and coming out stronger.  I was diagnosed 6 months ago but have been treated for depression for 10 years.  Just found out I was sexually abused as a child so I’m dealing with this as well.

One more thing - surround yourself with positive thinking - I try to read something inspirational (especially my Bible) to renew my mind daily.  I have too many years of negative thought patterns running over and over in my head and I need to constantly deprogram myself.

Don’t give up till you find a doctor who really “gets” it.  You deserve that.  I will pray for you and your mom’s relationship.  My parents struggle with my diagnosis too - I think sometimes they feel partly like it’s their fault?
Good luck with everything and BE KIND TO YOURSELF.

There are a number of things that can be done when dealing with ADHD.

1. Medication balance, is among the top choices for managing ADHD.
2. Exercise, is many cases can be as effective as medications, done regularly and sufficiently.
3. Diet, making sure enough of the right nutrients are in the body at the right time.
4. Sleep, 6-7 hours a night.

Often Dr’s and therapists are too busy to deal with the changes people with ADHD need to make.  ADHD coaching is often a good resource to turn to develop the positive habits and manage through the day-to-day issues that people with ADHD face.

Coaches work with ADHD clients to develop strategies and tactics that are supportive and empowering. 

It takes time to work through ADHD issues but over time it has been shown that coaching combined with medications has a 70% effectiveness rate.  It also means that there are cases where coaching, medications and other interventions (counseling and therapy) don’t produce the desired results.

People with ADHD tend to need a higher accountability structure (without judgment) so that they can develop new habits that support them in their life.  Getting rid of impulsive behaviors is hard, but then again if there is a new habit that replaces impulsive habits then success is likely.