To Leave or Stay
Sorry for the long post but I really feel I need to get this all out. I have been with my ADD partner for almost three years now. He currently owes me close to 20k. I am very resentful about it because I feel I was always forced into it -“how can I work without tools and clothes?”, “I will pay you back as soon as I can.” “I can’t afford my half of rent.” etc. etc. it slowly just added up. He told me he couldn’t get work because he didn’t have a car so I bought a car (I needed one too) and I pay insurance. I pay all the bills currently even though I am a student and cannot afford everything. He told me he would start taking care of all the expenses when I went to school since he owed me so much money. Well he currently isn’t working and is trying to make money on this side business I pushed him to get started on just so we could have some money coming in.
He has changed a lot since I met him. He is a bit cleaner and cooks sometimes but since I am at school full time getting a masters degree and working part time I feel he should be able to clean our tiny apartment and cook most nights. Well his idea of a full day of cleaning is taking an hour to do the dishes. Any other chore I have to remind him to do and he normally just doesn’t do it. I bought him a book on ADD and have done a ton of research on it. I asked him to make drs. appointments as he thought it was important. Tried different strategies with him as I am a counseller but I know he will not change until he makes the effort. It has taken a lot of work on my part not to completely lose it. I try to talk openly and respectfully about how his actions are impacting me and most of the time he agrees it’s important for him to get going yet he never really does. He gets mad at me when I am upset and he says he is just going through a hard time now and I expect too much from him. All I want is an equal partner. I realize we may not be ever be totally equal but right now it is not even close.
He doesn’t understand why I get so angry when we have only a few thousand left in my bank account. He says there is not any jobs because he just looked at kijiji. I come from a family who went out to get a job 9-5 if they didnt have a job. I have worked my butt off my whole life to pay my way through school and not have debt but now all my savings are gone. I feel so resentful and alone. To make it worse he doesn’t even really like sex. He rarely initiates it and when we do have sex I don’t feel the passion. He says he loves to have sex with me and doesn’t see a problem in having sex once every two weeks. It hurts me because I feel if at least we had a good sex life I might be able to be more patient in other areas…
As I write this I realize how awful it sounds. I don’t know why he can’t understand why I get so frustrated. He is normally a kind and understanding person but I think to myself I would be the sweetest most giving person in the world if my partner was doing all the work to support me. Maybe that is the problem. I expect him to work as hard as I would and maybe that is not realistic?
All I know is I am stressed and depressed most of the time now and I feel like my life is wasting away. They say people with ADD are exciting and spontanious?! Not my partner, all he wants to do is sit in front of the computer. I am 31 and I want to start a family soon. I want to stay and make it work but I don’t know if it’s possible at this point. I know I should just be focusing on me but it is so hard when I am so stressed financially. I feel nothing I can say can make him see reality. I feel only when he is on the street would he make changes. I think he thinks he can casually do the side business and money will just start flowing in. Life isn’t like that. Everyone has to work hard to get ahead. I don’texpect him to work hard his entire life if that is not what he wants but I do expect him to work hard in order to pay me back and to work hard in order for me not to be stressed about money all the time. He wouldn’t be stressed even if he had nothing to eat for lack of money.
Ok sorry I am rambling…but as I write this I feel the only solution is for me to leave. What do you think?
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