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Couples With One ADHD Partner

Twenty years of marriage with a husband with ADHD
Keywords:


I just want to introduce myself. I am a mother of two, an 8 year old daughter and a 13 year old son with ADHD and my husband also has ADHD.

I read through the posts here and just wanted to say “Hey” we are all going through the same thing. I’ve read that some people say their ADHD spouse is mean at times. So is mine and he does not mean to be - I have to stop and tell him “hey you don’t have to talk to me in that tone, I’m just asking a question”

As our children get older and especially our son needs extra attention and assistance staying on task and on a schedule after school and such we have come to the conclusion that even though my husband gets home two hours before me he can’t help my son stay on that schedule - even if he has a list. He can barley keep a schedule for himself.

I am the family manager. I currently work full time as does my husband but I do everything for our household, shop , make appts, take kids to appts, clean, cook, etc. I am also here to say it is exhausting. I do get burnt out and we sit and talk and try nee things to get everyone to help out. It lasts for a little while - usually just enough time for me to reset myself and start all over.

Replies

LOL the title should read “TWENTY years”

Posted by tpeila on Mar 16, 2017 at 11:32pm

Welcome and thank you for your post!  My husband (who has ADHD while I do not) and I have also been married two years.  We have a young child as well, so I can relate.

Our/My biggest breakthroughs lately have been:
—My husband agreeing to go to therapy to work on his responses (this has been wonderful and huge)
—Me realizing that I have to be creative and flexible, or none of my planning works out.  My husband has only two chores, and, honestly, he can’t really always manage those.  I have about 35.  It’s not fair, but I humorously made a breakthrough a day or two back.  My husband just can’t wake up when our baby cries… he sleeps right through.  Since I’m up anyway, I offered to take childcare at night if he buys me nice wine weekly.  Unconventional, but I don’t feel used, he feels like he’s helping in some way, and ... wine wink

We’re still learning how to cope with this.  Like you, I have to regularly explain to my husband that the anger isn’t a normal response to a question about kids’ shoes, etc. 

As long as he keeps trying, I will too.  FWIW, I’ve seen good progress from mine ever since he understood the condition.  As they say, not curable but manageable.

Lots of love! 
Ally

Posted by nexus7722 on Mar 17, 2017 at 6:13pm

Oh, quick follow-up:  could you say at what age your child was diagnosed?  My son is 18 months & a total sweetheart.  I know there’s a chance he could have ADHD like his Dad, so we’re trying to get our ducks (incidentally he LOVES ducks,,, heh) in a row so we’re equipped to help him if it turns out he has it.

Posted by nexus7722 on Mar 17, 2017 at 6:16pm

Thank you for your post tpila.  We are in the thick of it.  Married 16 years and I’m really just needing that break, not wanting to hold it all together - just for a little while.  As I pull away, my ADHD spouse seeks my attention and I am just trying to keep up with household management (2 kiddos, one w/ aspergers and ADHD age 10, one dog).  My challenge is that when I feel the burn out, he has trouble giving me space without being a jerk about it.  This roller coaster is hard!!

Posted by Julie M on Apr 18, 2017 at 4:04pm

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