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Couples With One ADHD Partner
Unbalanced relationship and just need to vent.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 8 years. We have had many communication issues along the way but I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. A friend suggested about 4 years ago, that he may have ADD, and I started reading up on it. It explained so much! I had him read up on it also, and it was a realization to him as well, that he and many of his family members are ADD. He’s brilliant in so many ways when it comes to work. He owns his own construction company, and is great at making things work from an engineering standpoint, but his personal life is very unorganized and messy, which affects us. We spend most of our time at my house because his house is uncomfortable and not very functional. (a flea infestation and mold growing on the ceiling,are some examples)
One of our problems is that he doesn’t plan time for us. Most of the time that we spend together is last minute, which can be fun, but not all of the time. He’ll call on a friday after work and ask if I’m busy that night, or he’ll ask on a Saturday at 4:00 if we want to ask friends over for dinner, and then be disappointed with me when I say that I don’t want to.
I get the opportunity to do a lot of things socially with my friends and family,and by the time that he asks me to do something, I usually either have something else planned with other people or I end up including him because I feel bad leaving him out.
We have had the conversation many times that I would like him to plan time with me because I enjoy spending time with him, but I’m usually the one that makes the plans and asks him to do things. It gets old after 7 years.
No matter how delicately I try to talk to him about it, he will usually get angry and it will turn into a fight. (This gets old as well!) I know that the criticism thing doesn’t go over well.
The fact that we love each other very much has been the glue that has held us together, but I feel like our relationship is so unbalanced in that I feel like I do way more for him than he does for me.
Any advice on how to deal with this? Do I just start planning things without him and tell him that I’m busy when he asks me to do something?