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Couples With One ADHD Partner

Undiagnosed boyfriend, I feel drained emotionally and mentally!!
Keywords:


Hi everybody, I am new to this support forum, I have been with my bf for quite some time I am 28 years old and he is in his late 30’s, and right now were not talking due to some misunderstandings, he happens to have undiagnosed ADHD and it kind of runs in his family, yet he has never been to a proper doctor to get diagnosed, but he insists he has it in a ‘‘Mild spectrum’‘.

I have done a lot of research and I can tell he has it from miles away. his BEHAVIOR says it all.

I have been curious to whether it’s normal to feel, alone, sad, hopeless, helpless and basically as if he did not love me, cause that’s how I feel, he dissapears for a week or 2 neither calls or text me, it has been a weird relationship to be honest, since day 1 I felt something was off with his behavior and I could not put my finger on it, later he told me, that he thinks he has ADHD, because he had a lot of trouble with concentration, basically had to read paragraphs a couple of times to understand what he was studying, it was frustrating for him, he even asked me If I knew a technique for him to study faster, cause he is slow.

He also happens to have what I would call’’ a sensorial issue’’ for some reason when I touch in a sweet manner the nape of his neck, he tells me that my hands feel sweaty, when in fact there dry and not sweaty at all. he is very messy(hoarder type of messy), he’s impulsive and has no patience at all, loses a lot of his stuff, blurts out innappropriate things at time.

Sometimes he does not even remember where he places things,his hygiene is kind of inconsistent,(to me I feel he has some sort of depression and anxiety in the mix) One day he can be all mature and nice and then 10 days it seems like he just woke up in the wrong side of the bed, acting CHILDISH, like they say a ‘‘MAN-CHILD’’ with like a weird mood,, I want him but all of this is very exhausting and really sucks me dry, I feel sad,my energy feels drained.I feel alone,Basically like if I was not even in a relationship. I really don’t know if this can work in the future, I have the HOPES,but don’t rely on them.

Replies

Hi sweetie.  First, I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time.  In so much as you’re able, take care of you and try to relax if you’re able to do so today. 

Some of what you described sounds like ADHD symptoms (I often also feel unloved, hopeless, etc), my husband also gets weirded out if I touch him if he’s not expecting it, etc.  Some of it, though, sounds not-related (or at least not in my experience with my husband who has the condition), specifically him disappearing and not communicating for weeks at a time.  That would drive me nuts.

The good news is, you’re not married so you have lots of options for how to handle this.  If it were me, I’d back off, take some time to myself, and see how he reacts.  Seems counter-intuitive since all you want to do is fix this, but he’s either:
—a jerk, add or non add variety
—going to work on things on his end if he wants to keep you

Hugs and hope all goes well.  You seem like a very articulate lady.  You deserve better, whether that means you keep him and he works on things, or you move on to someone better.  But fading out for weeks at a time is NOT okay, ADD or not.

<3

Posted by nexus7722 on Mar 17, 2017 at 8:10pm

Things won’t change/improve unless he gets treatment for his ADHD. What you’re experiencing now is his brain without treatment.

If he’s willing to do the work on his end, there are some strategies that can really help relationships with ADHD:
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/5765.html
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/6127.html
http://www.additudemag.com/adhd/article/1593.html

Penny
ADDconnect Moderator, Author & Mentor on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen w/ ADHD, LDs, and autism

Posted by adhdmomma on Mar 21, 2017 at 1:00pm

If you aren’t married leave.  Get your things and get out now.  Some people like the drama and nonsense, hope your not one of them.  Your life with him is unacceptable.  Keep it simple.  Walk in one direction and get out.  I would if I wasn’t married.

Posted by Frustrated wife on Mar 22, 2017 at 2:39am

you have to decide whether you want to endure all the negativity that comes with an adhd partner or you will live a peaceful life without him.

Posted by Devastated_adhdife on Mar 26, 2017 at 4:59pm

At 28 years old you should consider what you are getting yourself into, you are young.  Do more research go around to other forums and read until you can’t read anymore.  You will be able to make your own choice.  Best of luck. Keep us posted

Posted by conchuet on Mar 26, 2017 at 7:33pm

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