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What happened? Ex-BF with ADHD

I have had this big question bothering me for the past 10 months: “What happened?”

I dated this boy with ADHD, and it was perfect. I was in love for the first time in my life. He was prescribed Adderall and told me upfront that he had ADHD. I never really noticed anything different about him except for the occasional irritation/burst of anger, which was very different from his usual loving self.

One day, I found out that he quit his medication cold turkey. Apparently he had been taking up to three times what he was supposed to. Later that same day (as he quit), he sent me an email stating that he had no feelings for me and that I should go on with my life (it was a sweet letter, but I was devistated nevertheless).
Two weeks after this, we got in an argument online over that fact that he refused to see me when he was in town, stating that I was “insane” and “too dependent on him”.

After that he deleted me on all social networks. I still haven’t talked to him to this day, and our break up and arguments were all done online.

I’m still left wondering what happened, what did I do. My friends and our shared friends all wonder the same.

I’ve read up online and found that he might had been hyperfocusing on our relationship in the beginning to then shift his focus to something else.
I’m also wondering if this might simply be because of the ADHD, or because he stopped taking his meds.
Or maybe he was just being a boy.

I would very much appreciate some answers on this topic, and help me move on with my life.

Replies

Oh, I might add - he is 20 years of age and I am 24. I understand it might come off as confusing since I’m referring to him as a “boy”.

Posted by MayaL on Dec 08, 2013 at 7:37pm

He is just being a boy with ADHD. They get bored, overthink things, obsess on things to the point of paranoia. 

Many people with ADHD can never sustain long term relationships like intimate relationships, jobs, good family relationships. So in this case if he said “it’s not you it’s me” he was absolutely correct. And as you can tell by his accusing you of being too dependent on him he probably had that thought one day, then you said something totally innocuous like “I miss you” and he obsessed to paranoia. No doubt he thinks ill of you since he’s cut off all communication.

So yes it is an ADHD problem and no there is nothing to be done about it. Don’t even think of trying to convince him of anything because it will light his paranoid brain on fire. Mourn, forgive him he can’t help it and move on. And now you know next time some cute guy says he has ADHD, run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction.

Posted by YellaRyan on Dec 09, 2013 at 9:35am

Thank you for you reply.

Is it common that this just happens overnight?

I did give him a lot of space, because I realized he needed it, but then he contacted me saying he missed me and that he booked a flight to come to see me (it had been over 2 months since we last saw each other by then), but then 2 days later he sent me that email.

Do you think him going off the meds that same day would have something to do with it, or did he just get bored of me the same day?

We are both artists, and after he deleted me, we continued having “contact” over his songs and my poems. Not the nicest words both ways, and as you previously mentioned, that probably made him paranoia. But one day, after releasing one of his not-so-kind-songs about me, he added me on Facebook again. Truce?

I might add that I recently got diagnosed with ADHD myself (inattentive kind), but after his break up I’m starting to wonder if I have a hint of borderline personality. I’ve been having a reaaally hard time trying to understand why the hell I can’t let go of this guy after 10 months. I though I was the one that was gonna get bored of him first, that’s usually the case in my relationships. But since this is the only guy I’ve ever been in love with, for real, maybe it’s just the old “first love”-syndrome. I dont know.

I appreciate you taking time to respond to my post.

Posted by MayaL on Dec 10, 2013 at 2:04am

YellaRyan is absolutely right, she explained it perfectly, advice should be taken and move on with your life.  Best of Luck

Posted by BexIssues on Dec 10, 2013 at 4:05am

For YellaRyan, Advice of “And now you know next time some cute guy says he has ADHD, run, don’t walk, in the opposite direction.” is just what every ADHD person wants to hear. - Not in your life.

There are ways to make ADHD relationships work and for the person with ADHD it can be very difficult. Advocating that anyone with ADHD has the equivalent to the Bubonic plague is very hard to swallow.
I think what needs to be done is to look at this from an adults point of view and that is:
1) He was tripling his meds- very unhealthy and not the way any medication is to be taken.
2) He went cold turkey off them; which again is not healthy.
3) He appears not to have educated himself on his own ADHD
4) He needs help in dealing with it and life.

Both of those were his choice and his alone. Unfortunately for Mayal she was caught up by the ADHD hyperfocus at the start of the relationship but it was his actions with his meds that ultimately caused the breakup. To lump everyone with ADHD into this category is outrageous. We do have our issues with relationships but that does not mean they are doomed to fail. With coaching, education and understanding by both people in a relationship a solid platform can be built. I’m not saying it won’t be rocky or have some bumps but for the person who accepts the ADHD and finds the strengths of it to use and the faults of it are recognized then there is the potential.

While you don’t deal with having ADHD yourself but deal with a husband who has it; your anger and/or resentment to having dealt with him seems to be overtaking some of your other words of wisdom. I hope you have help with your situation. I am sorry you are going through what you are.

Please do not make me (a single man with ADHD) feel like I should give up on considering a relationship; for without that type of hope what is there?

Posted by Benevolence on Dec 11, 2013 at 2:20am

Please don’t think all ADD’ers cannot be in relationships. I am a high functioning inattentive ADD. I have educated myself on this executive functioning disorder. On strattera, I feel well. I am intuitive and artistic, and communicate well. I am curious. These are the positives of ADD. Hyper focus. A very good trait. Learn your positives, acknowledge your deficits. Be honest about yourself in new relationships. You can succeed in relationships. I think in assessing others with ADD learn what they really know and do about it. Some people in general you should run from.

Posted by Mygardenispretty on Dec 11, 2013 at 5:05am

To Benevolence…

Check with that YellaRyan gal again…  She knows the Drill…  As do I… I am that ADHD guy and I know what I am, and am not.  I am no husband.  The statistics bare this out.  When ADHD is in a marriage, there is a 40-50% GREATER chance of it going South.  When both are ADHD… It’s a virtual certainty.  I am a good friend, attentive lover and caring partner for all of 6 months or so.  After that… Rotts a ruck, Rastro.. I know what I am and am not.  Make no mistake;  It sucks…

The reverse side of ADHD relationships are also instructive… Find me one ADHD relationship where the participants claim all is generally wonderful…  When you find one, do let me know.  There are painfully few, if any…

I realize that life is about relationships.  And for most, the epitome of our social lives is marriage.  Been there, done that.  Let’s just say that I care enough about women NOT to marry them.  Myself, too. 

I also keep my zap shut about my condition.  No one’s business but mine.  I tell women that I am not interested in marriage or a long term relationship…  This is honest and fair.

To MayaL who started this thread…  Consider yourself lucky.  And, in time, you most certainly will.  You want no part of this thing.  And I can assure you, neither do your future children who would stand a great chance of inheriting ADHD if you were to marry this guy.

Posted by LakeLife on Dec 14, 2013 at 3:40am

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