Is It ADHD?
What is my REAL problem? Can I be helped?
I’m eighteen years old and a college freshman. My first semester I got a 2.99 Grade Point Average which landed me with an academic probation. If I can’t raise my grade above a 3.0 (collectively) by the end of this semester, then I will be kicked out of my school. This is beyond frustrating for me, not only because my mom will be so, SO disappointed in me—which is one of the worst feelings in the world, I will be extremely disappointed in myself. It’s not that I’m not smart. In fact, I went through the required testing for all students with academic accommodations, I’ve taken them quite a few times for different reasons… Mostly for the required retake of them after however many years… But every time I’ve scored above average on everything. WAY above average. I’m incredibly smart (I’m not trying to sound conceited about that, it’s what they told me when I took the tests), but I can’t for the life of me get any work done. I’ve been taking vyvanse, and it definitely helps me focus in class, but as soon as I’m out of the classroom, I have no discipline on myself to get any work done at all. I have been lucky enough to get incredible professors for every single one of my classes in both semesters, and all of them have been MUCH too accepting in my late work. I consistently procrastinate, and find it rare for there to be a time period of more than five minutes in which I am willing to do my work. Once I finish something, I realize every time how I was making a big deal out of nothing, and it wasn’t really hard work, so much as tedious, and if I had just paced myself and gotten the work done, I would have eliminated so SO much stress in my life.
Additionally, I am such a slobby person. I do not appear to be at all when you just look at me as a person; I enjoy fashion and makeup and such, but my [side of the] dorm room-I DO have a roommate in my dorm and I feel SO bad for how messy I am, and she is the sweetest about it… She hates it though, which is a HUGE reason why I want to fix it- is so incredibly cluttered with crap and everything is just thrown everywhere. Now, I do live out of state so I have a CONSIDERABLY more stuff here than my roommate, but part of what I have here is stuff that I don’t really use, so it just kind of sits there taking up very valuable, precious space that I can’t afford to waste (I’m talking mostly about clothes), but still it’s very, VERY bad (although luckily it doesn’t smell- it’s not really smelly things, it’s just a result of my lazy aversion to getting up and putting something away if I am in a comfortable position, or my stress over having a project due quite often the next day so I don’t even try to do anything about it, or I have cramps, or I have a headache, blah blah blah…
Anyways… I have ALWAYS hated cleaning, and I have ALWAYS been a messy person. I have a sneaking suspicion that I have anxiety and/or OCD on top of my already diagnosed ADD (NOT A.D.H.D. I am not hyperactive… In fact I’m the opposite. I’m incredibly lazy, and simply lack motivation substantial enough for me to actually do something) because I tend to keep things like old movie ticket stubs and old magazines, and I HATE when my mom does my laundry-I get so so mad at her, even though it’s my fault for not having done my laundry for weeks and she gets sick of seeing it so she just grabs my laundry and does it, and I get pissed. For a variety of reasons I get ticked off when my mom does my laundry- if a piece of clothing has a stain on it that I needed to treat before washing it, if a piece of clothing needs to be washed on delicate/handwash cycle but is instead put in with a typical load of laundry and is set to normal/regular cycle, and one that always has pissed me off a LOT is that she will hang pieces of clothing-like shorts or a skirt for example- that can’t be dried all the way, on the door handle. Now, I think it’s SORT OF understandable to get a little (and I mean a LITTLE- like inwardly) frustrated from any of these reasons (maybe a roll of the eyes, a little grunt of disapproval, ending with snatching it off of the door handle to put it somewhere else where a mark like hanger on a sweater will not happen; or ask her to check for stains if she decides she MUST do my laundry) but I can absolutely remember at least one or two instances where I got SO mad that I started crying. Now, crying when I get mad does happen sometimes, but it’s really only when I get EXTREMELY frustrated, on the verge of being or AT livid. I am completely, 100% aware that nothing that small, especially since she is technically helping me-whether she’s done it wrong or not, should EVER get me that upset. But it has. That is why I think I have OCD
I also stress myself out when studying or doing projects/homework/essays because I start to get really really worried that I won’t get it done in time. And I feel like a lot of times the reason that I avoid doing work/procrastinate so frequently, is that I am SO overwhelmed by the large amount of stuff that I have to do that I get freaked out/stressed and don’t do it. Additionally, if I have a question that I want answered, one that needs to be answered by a doctor or someone who is not a typical contact, I get worried that I’m going to say something wrong, so often times I won’t do it. There are things that I KNOW are things that I am permitted to do/use, but for some reason before I’ve ever done so, I am afraid that I’m wrong and that I will embarrass myself. Also, just trying new things, sometimes I get really scared/afraid I’m going to do something wrong, etc. That’s sort of typical young adolescent behavior-not wanting to do anything yourself or try something new… But I am 18 years old, and I am off at college, out of state, and essentially independent. Once I was on a trip with my sister and my mom in Boston, and we went to the shopping center called Fanule Hall there. There was this one kiosk that was selling these GORGEOUS… Things that could be tied in different ways to make at least 10 different dress/skirt designs. I wanted one so so SO badly, but my mom did not want to get it for me. So, knowing full well that I WOULDN’T do it, she said that if I went up to the woman and asked her how to do the different designs and was able to show at least three to [my mom] after I asked her, then she would buy it for me. I didn’t do it. I wanted it SO BADLY, but I guess I had this irrational fear that I would look or sound like a moron, or something. I can’t really explain it.
Does this mean I have anxiety and/or OCD on top of my ADD? Or am I just being paranoid?
And if I do, suggestions to ask my psychiatrist about when I go back home for an appt. with him would be greatly appreciate it. I’m on 70 mg of Vyvanse.
****Additionally, is it possible that I don’t have ADD? I was diagnosed when I was only in second grade. I definitely notice a difference in where my brain goes in class sometimes if I forget to take my Vyvanse one day or what have you. But sometimes I do still daydream in class and completely miss whatever the teacher has been talking about for the past two or three minutes. Is it possible that I’ve been taking all different kinds of medications for the past 10-11 years? PLEASE help me out here! I am SO desperate!!!!!!!***********
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Replies
acting.dreams1993: I feel for you. I am 41 years old and remember being in high school and college and feeling the same way. I did not have the extreme messiness but goodness did I hate to do my assignments! So many times I ended up making up some crazy excuse about why I didn’t have it ready on time and my professors were so forgiving. I look back on those years in my life and wonder how I made it to where I am now. I am married, a mother of two, have a very successful career in project management, am active in my community and my childrens’ school and both of our kids (aged 12 and 8) are gifted, enjoyable little nuggets of energy!
However I was not diagnosed with ADD until June 2011! I spent my entire feeling like you do now, always thinking something was wrong. I am taking 50mg of Vyvanse (having titrated up from starting dose of 10mg, of course) and have been on this strength for 3 months. I’ve been on Vyvanse for 7 months total. One thing you did not mention is how long you have been on Vyvanse. From what I’ve read and understand from my psychiatrist it can take anywhere from 2-4 months at any dosage to see a consistent result. I agree with you about seeing an immediate help in those tasks where you are engaged, i.e. the classroom, the office (for me). However I have also noticed a difference - although it took significantly longer to notice - in other things. I noticed that I wasn’t flitting around the house from one thing to another and leaving a trail of unfinished chores or projects behind me. It still takes self-talk, and like you, I discovered most of this stuff was easier than I anticipated - the anxiety over how bad it “could be” was worse than the actual task.
It does sound like you have built up quite a bit of anxiety over the possibility of being asked to leave school due to grades, on top of naturally occurring anxiety, and Vyvanse is not made to combat that on it’s own. Maybe a discussion with your psychiatrist concerning all of these things you are experiencing is in order and see what overlaps and what can be tackled easily to help you come closer to center and get back on track at school. I would suggest scheduling 10-15 minutes at the end of each day to note major ups and downs during the day and what was the trigger if identifiable. Bring that with you to your appointment so your doctor can review it. Our memories really stink when it comes to that stuff anyway!
That will ease your mind enough to start to address the other issues you feel like you want to address about yourself.
I wish you luck and truly hope that you find the right direction so you can stay in school and do all of the great things you want to do!
DeAnne
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