My daughter (who is 8) gets very upset when one friend doesn’t want to play with her and wants to play with someone else.  She wants everyone to do what she says.  She cries dramatically at the tiniest little bump or fall when she is outside playing with friends.  She thinks her friends lie to her.  All this makes friends shy away from her because they are not comfortable when she does this stuff. 

Of course, I’ve spoken with her when she brings this stuff up to me or when I get a call from school.  How do you teach someone who to be a good friend?

Hi MollyMS,
Everything you describe sounds very typical, and it’s one of the hardest things to work with concerning ADHD.  My daughter (11) is the exact same way.  She misses cues.  She does not readily recognize teazing, and she takes everything so literally.  Also, she can be very bossy and over powering when playing with friends, and she does not notice the cues that they are becoming annoyed at her bossiness. 
My daughter also does not like to play by herself.  She never has.  I noticed this about her very early. 
ADHD kids tend to lag behind their peers in social development, so my daughter is a very young 11.  I worry now that she is in Middle School that this difference will be more noticeable to her friends.  It’s a delicate balance. 
I think helping your daughter notice cues and discussing them with her is a wonderful thing.  We even point them out sometimes in TV, movies, or even books my daughter is reading. 
It’s hard.  Hang in there, and know with love and support from you your daughter will do fine.  I always tell mine that it’s better to have just a small group of really good and close friends than a whole room full of so-so friends.

You’re getting some good advice here.

I love, LOVE, that you’re talking about cues and discussing them with your daughter. That is an amazingly helpful and smart way to handle this.

As your daughter gets older, and into middle school, social cues will become more important (as you probably know). Would it be possible to perhaps enroll your daughter in a small group setting where she would be more comfortable with friends? I’m thinking some sort of after-school activity. Just something where she could “practice” in a safe place, know what I mean?

A couple more resources that can help:

Helping Our Son Make Friends: Real life insights from parents dealing with the same issues you are.

Helping My ADHD Child Make Friends: All about social cues, which you’re already quite familiar with. :>)

Hi, everyone, Thanks for your responses.  I am going to look into the resources Wendy mentioned.  Also, we have been keeping the group settings much smaller since we learned about DD’s ADD and the way it affects her in the social arena.  We moved her from the huge public school to a smaller private school, and she is much happier in most ways with that change.  She has chosen two sports she is interested in- horseback riding which has private lessons for now, but will likely expand into a small group activity in the near future which will give that good practice you mention.  The other is Basketball, and she has asked to wait until next year to fully pursue, when she knows her new classmates better.
While we don’t “hover”, we are usually either nearby and can see what’s going on so we can help process anything later, or we are pretty familiar with the kids and setting so when she talks about it later can help process the good, the bad, and the funny after the fact.

BUT… Wendy’s post triggered another thought- maybe this is what she’s talking about…or maybe I am borrowing trouble for now, but I will need to have this on my radar screen before too long… How might this social cue thing play itself out when she becomes interested in boys?  Last year before she was on Concerta she had no idea how to process the fact that girls in her class were being friendly toward her (even though the teacher reported that she got along well with her peers and they got along well with her, DD was crying in class or near tears several days a week she felt so alone).  This year the meds are helping a lot, but she still cannot process teasing and tone of voice…  How does one go about helping a young person interpret those mixed signals of early interest between boys and girls!?!  Oh, Well.  I won’t borrow trouble, yet.  But it is something to think about and watch for those signs of interest, and keep the lines of communication open.  Yikes!

As a ADD Adult girl, I still feel alone, that feeling never really goes away, as ive grown i just understand why i feel that way.

Like all these girls I come off as a ALPHA female, My way or the highway type, as ive grown ive learned me and females dont really mix, unless they also have ADD, i prefer to be around men where i can speak my mind without having to worry about peoples feelings, where i can be loud and rude and not worry about offending, men are just so much easier to deal with. 

i also take things very literally still and think everyone is mad at me all the time.

My only advice is try to seek other children who also have ADD, she may have a better chance of being understood and maybe even for a connection. at the very least she will know she is not broken, stupid, weird or crazy, she will see there are other kids like her.

Also explain to her or allow her to read about ADD, life is so much easier when you understand your ADD.

As far as boys go, she will probabbly fall into the friend zone with most boys as she grows up, at least thats what happend to me.

Thank you Ladyelement2 for saying that. I am a 16 year old girl who has felt alone for a long time and I always thought it was something wrong with me. I like to be around guys because girls do not like me at all. I feel alone alot which can depress me but knowing that someone else has had similar problems relieves me alot.

This is a really common struggle for many of us with ADD—kids and adults alike—and not one that is address often enough, IMHO!

There are a couple things that can help in the devlopment of social skills.  One is called the “social autopsy” (and my ADD brain can’t recall the name of the Dr. who coined the phrase right now!).  Spending a little time after a social interaction to discuss how it went, what could have gone differently, and sort of dissecting it and rebuilding it can be very helpful.  Over time, it can help our kids learn how to adapt to different social situations and adjust their behavior/actions/etc. in the moment.

Another thing that can be really helpful is to use television shows—especially certain citcoms—to help our kids (or adults!) to learn to read social skills. I think it was Michele Novotni who suggested Seinfeld reruns, and they work very well for this exercise.  Play a recording (tivo, vcr, whatever) of a Seinfeld episode with the volume muted.  Have the child pay attention ot hte social cues (facial expressions, body language, etc.) and try to guess what’s going on in the scene (what the people might be feeling, saying, etc), and then go back and watch the episode with sound.  You want to pick a show that’s age-appropriate, of cousre, and one that has good actors who are somewhat (but not too) animated in their gestures, facial expressions, etc.  (And one in which the plot is not too intricate!)

Just a few quick thoughts, but I hope there’s something in there that can help!

There are therapists and ADD Coaches all over the world who specialize in helping with social skills as well, and some who run social skills groups—although they are hard to find in my area.

Best of luck, and keep us posted!

Lynne Edris, ACG
Life & ADD Coach
http://www.CoachingADDvantages.com

My daughter is 7 and acts identical to this. I just joined this group because I found out that a neighbor who used to like to play with my child no longer does. She is a bit older and not a very active child, so that combination didn’t work, but mostly the girl didn’t like how much my kid would yell when she didn’t get her way. Apparently, my daughter said, “I hate you!” a few times. I am heartbroken right now. Not because I think this girl is so special but because I worry that this will be the result of many other future situations. My daughter can be a happy, loving, doting person and she desperately wants friends - especially as an only child. Though she is okay playing by herself she prefers to have friends around. I worry that her strong reactions will push her friends away like it did with this child.

We are starting behavioral therapy, have not yet gone to medication at the suggestion of our pediatric neurologist. I don’t understand how therapy will help if her reactions are so lightening fast - will she be able to stop herself from screaming over little things or misinterpretations of her playmate’s facial expressions? At school she bellows if someone isn’t doing something perfectly or if someone looks at her funny.

I feel completely helpless as her mother, watching her destroy relationships that could be just fine. Just because I know it is her ADHD, the children at school don’t care, and clearly neither does this neighbor child. And as children, they shouldn’t, really. They are only kids themselves.

Sorry this is all over the place. I am in a really sad space right now about my child’s ADHD and her social future. I appreciate you all being her to listen.

Momodoodle,
You’re lucky to have the diagnosis so early. My DD is 10, diagnosed at 8. Your DD will begin to exercise more self-control & self-awareness as she matures and you’ll be able to help her with it by pointing out things as you see them or doing some of the things noted above.

My DD would also do the “i hate you” thing with her BFF (fortunately, her BFF is not phased by it so much). If you are around when it happens, try to notice triggers. For us, it’s hunger (she’d rather play than stop to eat) or tiredness (never wants to shutdown for the day or has restless nights). If we prevent either of these situations, she’s able to control herself and what comes out of her mouth better. Sometimes you can catch the “building of the wave” and can either divert their attn or end the play session.

Good luck to all. We love them to pieces…and sometimes that’s the most important thing they need to know.

I have tried to explain cues and teasing to my daughter 10 yrs. but with her it just brings up another reason for her to fight with me. No matter what I say she disagrees. She has NO friends never gets invited to birthdays. Yet she does not seem bothered by this. When will she realize its nice to have friends? She is teased regularly however she is not a very nice peson. Sometimes when I try to help her understand things that other girls want in a friend, she says it’s not like I have a disability mom, and I want to say yes you do. It’s just not visable, but dont’ know how to make her understand, she needs to think before she reacts to EVERYTHING! I don’t know very overwhelmed these days.

I can’t say enough good things about the “Social Thinking” program and resources by Michelle Garcia Winner.

This is all about teach bright kids who struggle to understand social rules, non-verbal cues, how your reaction should match the problem, etc, ect.

It has helped us developed a whole new language with our 7 year old daughter in the form of “characters” that you can get in your brain and that make you have problems such as:

Rockbrain - when you get stuck on only one idea
Glassman - he makes you have big reactions
Me-thinker- only thinks about themselves

There are so many more.  These are not labels but can be used in way to say, “You’re really upset right now, do you think you have Glassman on the brain”.  Then we remind her of her strategies to defeat Glassman.

It’s really been a revolution in our household and I strongly recommend to anyone who has bright, highly verbal kids who struggle socially.

http://www.socialthinking.com/