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ADHD in Boys

What to do now?

The situation at Gymnastics is tense. Although the coach is making good efforts, my 10 year old Y. still has some times when he doesn €™t want to do things (mostly when it is events he doesn €™t like as much or is anxious about). I asked the coach to have him go out but let him come back when he is ready to start working. This has been mostly successful.

What is really upsetting is that the parent of his best friend at Gymnastics L. came to the conclusion that L. is not doing as well as they would like because of my son. They told L. that Y. is disruptive and to stay away from him. So L. has been telling Y. that he is no longer his friend, to go away and leave him alone, and that he is a loser.

Last week Y. got so upset that he punched L. I was very upset and grounded Y.

Now, to level things out, L. has also punched Y. in the past, but I let it go and never told his parents, or the coach, because I think boys are boys, they can be rough, and others have punched Yann (when playing at the end of practice for instance).

The problem is that L. parents didn €™t see it that way and went to the coach, making a huge deal out of what happened. They also asked L. to delete Y. €˜s contact from his iPad as well as Y. €˜s character on Minecraft.

Y. has never had that kind of problems and on school reports, his teachers describe him as a kind and sweet boy who cares about others.
It is true that he can be disruptive at Gymnastics because - even on medications - at the end of the day he may have a hard time focusing, so he jumps around. I am also working on this with the coach.

Having your child rejected is awful. In this instance, I think that knowing that Y. is €˜ADHD €™ makes it easy to blame him more.

Any suggestions? I obviously don €™t want Y. to start using his fists even if he feels hurt and frustrated. I also need to get him to handle better rejection. And I also need to learn myself, how to handle rejections (particularly from people who had been your friends for the last 2 years!).

Replies

Wait, what does this mean? “Having your child rejected is awful. In this instance, I think that knowing that Y. is €˜ADHD €™ makes it easy to blame him more.”

I think time to calm down is the best medicine at this point. When my son (11) gets into a big fight with a friend, I tell him to give his friend space. Stay away and concentrate on hanging out with someone else. Consider it a break. I’m not sure he always listens, but the bit he does helps. The tense feelings of this situation ease and the bit of time away seems to help the friends forgive. And if the friendship doesn’t heal itself, by then my son has moved on to someone new.

Posted by Rai0414 on Jun 09, 2014 at 7:27am

Yes, it is awful to have your son rejected like that.  FWIW, I went through a similar experience with one of my sons where a couple different parents went all ballistic like that.  It was only a comment made on the bus (but it had to do with S-E-X & the comment was made to 3 girls).  So, one parent in particular went nuts,  & even to the point of going to the one girl whose parents I didn’t know, telling that mom all about what happened & trying to get that mom to band together and form some sort of mass parental drama scene…coming over to our house & demanding an apology (& the oppy to scold him too? IDK).  Luckily for us this mom who didn’t know us or my kids did a lot of independent investigation into this rather than just go along with it.  After her investigation she called me up to tell me what she’d been asked to do.  She had asked her daughter about the incident & then asked her to find my kid in the yearbook…and that’s when it kinda hit her.  She said, “I looked at him and he just looks so SWEET.  I think maybe he just said an impulsive thing without thinking (we didn’t even know he had ADHD back then, was ~3rd Grade) and I thought about my son who is still pretty young and if he were to just screw up one time—cuz he’s a boy & it’s a given he’ll screw up like that at least once in his lifetime—and some parent was trying to get a gang of parents all up in arms about it…well, I just decided to do the right thing and NOT participate in her lynch mob and call you to give you some warning of what she’s up to.”

I was floored!  I had already done the Right Thing, called the principal and told her to thoroughly investigate this incident, question everyone involved, and if it was as bad as it seemed to institute whatever in-school punishment she deemed appropriate (in addition to what we had done at home—was grounded).  It took several days to get the whole story out, but in the end someone else ratted on the girl whose mom got her panties all up in a wad, said that contrary to what she had claimed all along (that SHE had not said anything & was traumatized by it all) that girl was egging stuff on and it was involved in this repeated trading of insults…

So, in the end we found out that girl was a big tattler & a liar, and her mom was a big busy-body who thinks her child does NO wrong and would believe that girl’s lies, and attempt to publicly humiliate a child she’s found to be GUILTY.  It was really tough knowing she probably went around talking smack to everyone who would listen but it was good to know that some people have enough sense to think for themselves & rat her out for the big drama scene she was making this into.  It was also comforting to know that when I told the principal who was all up in arms about this, the principal said “Oh, it’s Blank Blank” in such a perfect tone of voice that I knew this was not the first time something like this had happened.

It was hard going through it but I was glad to know to stay the hell away from that little girl and that woman’s drama.  I’m sure it served us well to not hang with them anymore and to take our kids off the bus from that point on.

Posted by BC on Jun 09, 2014 at 8:41am

Guess I could add The Incident that sparked this Big Neighborhood Drama.  He/we found out he wasn’t very good at the Yo Mama Game kids play. It went something like this: You eat your boogers / You like to play with Barbie dolls / You like Pokemon / “You have sex with a swing”

Pretty lame, huh?  But before it was determined what had actually transpired on the bus my child was framed to be some sort of sexually deviant predator…and EVERYBODY heard that side of the story.

Posted by BC on Jun 09, 2014 at 8:58am

Best thing we can do is make this a teachable moment. Talk about what he should do when he feels like punching someone. Get him to say he feels angry at that moment and walk away. Know that his feelings can’t be controlled, but how he acts in those moments he can control. Over time your son will mature and more appropriately.  My son was miserable at that age, but now that he is 14, he is off medication is willing to take natural supplements and is happy and has friends.

Posted by Maceystars on Jun 11, 2014 at 6:03pm

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