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Parents of ADHD Children

When the Ex and the Stepmom don't believe the ADHD

So here is the scenario (a LONG ONE). . . . .my son was diagnosed about 6 years ago (at the age of 7) with ADHD. 3 years ago his father and I divorced. I had custody of him 90% of the time because of his dad’s work schedule (3-11 shift) and he had him every other weekend (not enough in my opinion). We went through some major behavioral issues that stemmed from the divorce and all that came with that. But he was doing very well in school and wanted to try to go without meds. He hated the side effects.  Fine we did that he did very well for the most part through 5th grade and halfway through his first year of middle school. Again proving that he is amazing, at times.
Then he became the child from hell. Disruptive and disrespectful in class and his grades would be crap and then he would pull them up to A’s and B’s by the time report cards came out. So we went back on the meds, and that helped. However, what was getting increasingly worse was his behavior at home. I would call his dad and beg for his help and he would basically say I was over reacting. So I did the best I could. Within the past year it has escalated to getting caught smoking pot and him breaking the level of trust with me and his dad FINALLY waking up to the fact that his kid was going down the wrong path. So we decided to try having my son switch schools, start fresh and for him to spend more time with his dad and the new family because there was always someone home there and his step brother would be a good influence. Well I hated this for obvious reasons but if it was best for him then let’s try it. From the start, they put WAY too many restrictions and rules in place. I understand he needed more of that but you cannot just throw all of that on a kid. However he has adjusted well and I am very proud of him. And I have to keep my emotions out of this, he is not being abused or neglected so I have to let them parent there way right? Here’s the rub, all of a sudden, his dad doesn’t believe he has ADHD. They believe he is just not trying hard enough. You see my issue I am sure. So, I am trying my hardest to get them on board to even talk to his teachers and doctor so that there is not some major damage done here. If they do not come around, I am going to have to demand that he come back with me permanently.
AHHHHH that felt good.

Replies

He is old enough to talk to him about it.  Can you have him see a therapist with you when he’s with you?  And you don’t need permission from your ex to talk to his teachers and advocate for him at school.

Just do what YOU can for him when he is with you and on his behalf but don’t get involved with the other family if you can at all help it.  Just make sure your son knows that you are available to him, that you are on his side.  It is an untenable situation but the worst thing you can do is to bad mouth or try to intervene with your ex’s family.  Believe me, your son knows what is going on in his brain and whether he is trying hard enough or not.  You won’t do anyone any favors by creating or getting involved in conflict and you have to preserve your relationship with him so that if he feels he is misunderstood he has you to go to.

Posted by YellaRyan on Nov 13, 2013 at 8:38am

Thank you for this comment. I do try and let him know I am on his side and will always have his back.But also that I will not get involved with any rules or anything things else at his dad’s place. It’s a tough age too. Stupid hormones.

Posted by stlrosarita on Nov 13, 2013 at 8:41pm

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