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Why is everything so difficult to begin/stay motivated =[
Sitting here thinking about what I want to say in this discussion makes me want to get up and go do something else. Well I guess you need a little backstory if you want to understand how and why I’m writing this.
Diagnosed around 14-15 with AD/HD and only took medication to get me through 2 months of summer school which has been reoccurring in my life every other year for the same reasons and subjects. Unfortunately I took medication for a short period of time because of my parents financial situation and the cost of the meds were too much for them to afford. Another tid bit, my parents never really gave me a clear explanation of why I needed to take them so I just figured I needed it to stop acting out in class or because I was not smart. The following year I almost couldn’t walk at high school graduation because I barely passed.
After 3 or 4 years of community college I was given some medication by a friend and it started bringing back memories of me needing to take the meds from when I was in high school. I couldn’t take 3+ classes because I couldn’t handle it and was going to school part-time. So I than decided to go to a neurologist to get the medication and it helped me finish out the last 3 years so I could graduate. Overall It took me 8 years to graduate with my associates and I considered 3 or 4 different majors before deciding to graduate with a general associates in prof. studies and figured I would go to a 4 year and figure out what I wanted to do for real but since I was turning 26, my families insurance couldn’t cover me anymore and I lost my meds.
With the same mentality that the medication would cure my problems, I soon realized that without supplemental therapy and medication education/physiological knowledge of what was actually going on with my body was actually making the symptoms worse.
After the first 3 weeks of a full time schedule of 4 classes(required because I got a scholarship that required full time status), I had to withdraw from the university and begin retracing my steps and symptoms going back to when I was first diagnosed which really took a toll on my mental well being and sent me spiraling into a depression and loss of my jobs because I couldn’t keep up with the work or everything about the jobs started irritated me. after 3 or 4 jobs I started and quit without giving them notice because I was too ashamed of myself.
I was than blaming my parents that they should have taken care of this or helped me understand what was going on and had to get away from living with my rents and went to go stay with a neighbor who was about to go to jail for a few months. Practically homeless/unemployed, my neighbor couldn’t support me any longer and I than started to get on his nerves because i started reorganizing his house to better suit my needs without even knowing it. He than had to go to jail and I had to move back in with my parents.
3 months have gone by of just watching tv in bed all day and night barely going outside or talking to anyone. Today I mustered up all the courage I could and started talking to my parents again and went to my community college to set an appointment with a career counselor to try and start my life again.
Eventually, I;m going to fall back into the same habits of talking myself out of doing things because of thinking its not going to work out without taking medication or I’m going to require using all my energy to do the mundane tasks of the day without taking care of what needs to get done to move forward.
I get aggravated about the dumbest things.
My mind goes a million miles a minute and the only way I can calm it down is if it watch tv in bed.
I can’t sit still for more than 5 minutes without having to move on to something more stimulating.
I get aggravated when I make breakfast wrong or choose to eat like crap because its much easier than taking to time out to prep the meal and just settle for fast carbs like pasta or cereal.
Instead of researching what I want to do with my life, ill punch in the choices into google and click on a website, read 10 lines and have to get up and do something else.
I barely retain and recall anything. Working memory is similar to that of Dory from Finding Nemo”
I’m probably on my 11th cup of coffee today trying to push through today.
Cant concentrate on anything unless I have music playing in the background
Can’t fall asleep without watching tv or having the fan blades spinning on full blast.
Don’t have any friends or anyone to talk to about this stuff and it just gets bottled up inside because I don’t have insurance or a job. Someone please help me figure out a solution.