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Couples With One ADHD Partner

Why my wife is like she is


When we argue it turn out with all issue dealing with and when I try to talk about hers she shut me up.
  Plus when it come to help, I say we need to get help and she I don’t need but you do

Replies

Well, in a way she is right.  You do need to get help - because that really is the only person you can change.  But she is also saying she herself needs help - even though she may not know it.  If a marriage is in trouble both partners need to be working on themselves first.

If you don’t have yourself together how can you be available to anyone else?  If you are not together then what you are doing in a relationship is expecting the other person to fill in the holes of your own deficiency.  Now, many of us enter into relationships this way - but that is not a viable reason for staying that way.  You need to be the best you possible so you can show up that way for your wife.  Likewise for her.

Posted by YellaRyan on Dec 23, 2013 at 7:59pm

But she is also saying she herself needs help - even though she may not know it.  If a marriage is in trouble both partners need to be working on themselves first.


I agree with you on I need to work on myself. But I wish I could let her she I am trying to work on me. I wish also she see herself and reach out for help too. I now it not me to tell here what to do, but sometime I wish she would listen once and try to get help.


Now, many of us enter into relationships this way - but that is not a viable reason for staying that way.  You need to be the best you possible so you can show up that way for your wife.  Likewise for her

I know I need to work on this to change in are relationship to make it better. But it hard when I am doing this way by myself. It be nice to have help part in this Relationship too.
  Thank for your input and yes I willing to get better in are relationship.
Jim

Posted by jamespfluger on Dec 24, 2013 at 4:14am

@ YellaRyan…

“If you are not together then what you are doing in a relationship is expecting the other person to fill in the holes of your own deficiency”

You’re right so many people enter relationships like this. They are looking for someone who fill fill in the blanks for them. I think with ADHD (especially in adults whom are un-diagnosed) it’s especially hard. Because they see the symptoms in their child(ren) but then ignore it in themselves. That denial is a horrible thing for a relationship. That leaves the non ADD/ADHD spouse to deal with a child that can admit to their ADHD based “issues” (like impulsiveness), but the adult parent blames their impulsiveness on everything under the sun.

Anyway,...I agree changing yourself is the only thing you can do. As much as you’d like the other person to “change” you have to change first. Then they will seem to change. It’s like brainwashing yourself. In my own life the biggest obstacle is the Parent/Child Dynamic…overcoming that is the hardest thing for me. I’m having to fight the urge to “baby” my wife every day. Sometimes I find myself cleaning up after her and then I have to literally stop myself and talk my self out of it.

Good luck to you, we all have our battles.

Posted by not2day on Dec 30, 2013 at 7:12pm

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