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ADHD in Men

Why won't my wife accept that it might be ADHD

I am a 48 year old male, never diagnosed with ADHD.
I had a brain tumor removed 19 years ago

I have never been formally diagnosed with ADHD.  However, looking back over my life I see ADHD symptoms all over the place(e.g.
messy/disorganized room, desk, office, car, etc.  Procrastination.  Not doing homework in favor of watching TV.  Not going to bed until very late because I was doing something that interested me.  Not completing tasks but moving on to something more interesting.

Because I had a brain tumor removed and was having problems at work and social environments, I had a Neuropysch test that showed a 70% probability of having ADHD.

1.  If I believe I have ADHD, and show many of the symptoms, can I actually have ADHD?  Or is it a Catch 22, where if I think I’m have ADHD, then I mustn’t have it, because I think that I do?

2.  Also, my wife doesn’t think I have ADHD because “I can focus on what I want to, it’s just laziness and a choice I make not to do chores”.
What can I do to ease this argument?

3.  I get started on a task, hobby, workout routine, diet, etc., but after a couple of weeks, I lose interest and stop the activity.  What can I do to remain motivated?


Thanks for the post.
Some very good suggestions that i can put to use right away.  I’ll let you know how things progress.

Posted by What was I doing? on Nov 05, 2013 at 9:28pm


I understand your frustration with not being understood. It looks as though your wife may have the same outlook on ADHD as much of the uneducated public. By uneducated I don’t necessarily mean that she is uneducated in general, only on the subject of ADHD. After being diagnosed myself two years ago I began to deeply research this this thing that had such an impact on my life and the lives of my family. I read many, many books written by professional for both the person with ADHD and for the partners and family members of those with ADHD. Of those books there are two I would like to suggest. The first is for you, It is titled’ “You mean I"m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?” bu Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo. It is a self help guide to adults with ADHD. It is written by two psychiatrist that are also ADHD so they have and understanding of it from both the professional, clinical side as well as the personal experience side. It will help you become more educated about yourself and it can help you learn how to deal with ADHD on a professional (perhaps getting a diagnoses) and personal (coping mechanisms and strategies) level. The other book is called, “Is It You, Me, or Adult ADHD? Stopping the Roller Coaster When Someone You Love Has Attention Deficit Disorder.” by Gina Pera. This book will help your wife understand what behaviors are ADHD related. Understanding is the first step in potentially improving your relationship. As long as she believes your behaviors are intentional there will be some resentment. If she comes to understand that it is not and that there is work to be done that she can help with to improve your symptoms, perhaps there will be less friction.

I would suggest that you read your book first, get educated yourself and work toward getting a solid diagnoses prior to attempting to have your wife read her book. She may be more inclined to accept it once you have actually been diagnosed. I say that only because I understand that if she is holding resentment she may view your suggested reading as and excuse to get away with what she views as merely bad behavior. An actual diagnosis may be more likely to open the door to her willingness to become educated herself.

When my husband and I first began dating we broke up numerous times due to misunderstood ADHD behaviors. It wasn’t until he was diagnosed later that things got better. Once he was diagnosed and began to educate himself I began to educate myself. I loved him and I wanted to gain a better understanding of him. It was through reading the “Lazy, Crazy, Stupid” book that I learned that, I too, have ADHD. We are now both in treatment for our ADHD and after 14 years of on again off again break ups and reunions we finally gained an understanding of each other. We were finally married and are happier than we have ever been. Understanding IS THE KEY!! I wish you the best of luck and hope these tools will open a path of understanding for both of you.


Posted by luv2sign on Nov 05, 2013 at 9:59pm

The brain tumor or any brain damage needs to be ruled out as the primary cause of your symptoms. These issue sometimes present in a way that looks like ADHD on the surface, however it could be a result of a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) or due to the surgery to remove your tumor. ADHD usually is evident in childhood, so if your symptoms just started after the tumor was removed it would seem likely that it’s related to that.

On the other hand, if you have had symptoms of ADHD since childhood you may in fact have the diagnosis, but you would need get evaluated by a skilled psychiatrist/neurologist/professional that specializes in ADHD.

Aaron Smith, MS, LMSW is an ADHD Strategist and Motivational Coach at Potential Within Reach.

Posted by Aaron Smith, MS, LMSW on Jul 11, 2014 at 12:37am

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