Couples With One ADHD Partner
Working Together as a Team around the House
My husband was diagnosed with severe ADD (inattentive type not the HD type) and takes Adderall. Our therapist really kept stressing that he work with me as a team and since I had the stronger organization skills of the two of us. He recommended that we agree on mutual plans and that my husband follow my lead for carrying them out - in other words, let me be the lead. I do feel that would solve our power struggle that we have over the house cleaning and organizing. If we try to clean together he often goes off on a tangent and does something that completely takes him away from the task and then I’ve lost my partner. Or my husband will one day reorganize everything. And while that sounds great to have a spouse who does that - it’s just constant change and constant undoing the work I’ve done. For example, I may set up a filing system - show him how it works and he won’t follow it and will instead either change the whole system up or add to it creating total chaos. That’s an old example, I don’t work with him on filing anything anymore - I gave up. I’m definitely not a person who likes to tell others what to do so this is not an easy role for me either, but if we could do it, it would solve things. I’m willing to do it. But he can’t and I’m forever frustrated. He hates following anyone else’s lead and he cannot stick to agreements. We try and sit down and talk through plans and mutually agree on our to-do list for the week. But we’ve had to give up on this too. I think he breaks just about every agreement until the relationship reaches a crisis point - it literally takes me to the brink of total frustration which I end up expressing as anger and disappointment. But unless I get angry - he won’t respond to normal requests. In fact he resents immediately anyone asking for his help. I don’t like getting angry and I don’t think it’s healthy for me at all. I’m so frustrated and sad that we have been repeated the same old battle over the house for 21 years. I’ve given up on organizing and keeping it perfect a long time ago. But you know, it would be nice to have a clean organized house more frequently than not. Nicer than that would be to actually team together as a couple instead of in a constant state of power struggle. Does any one else go through something similar?
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