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college age adhd child

My son is going to be 20 this month. He has ADHD he has always denied needing medication, but has taken the medication if I watch him do it.  He was living on campus and decided not to take his meds his second year of college, and only achieved D’s for grades. I now have him entering community college. I fear he has no future, he doesn’t care about anything. He thinks everything will be fine as long as he doesn’t have to work for it. He is also obese. He has a cholesterol problem, that I have tried helping him with. Since he is legally an adult I have no say in getting him meds or speaking to his doctors. I need help. I don’t know what to do to help my son. Please help me.

Replies

I wonder what he considers fine.  Is he living with you?  Are you paying for all his expenses?  If so, he does not have much incentive to improve himself.  You’re in such a hard place.  You can see wonderful things about him, and you keep pushing him to do what you feel 20 year olds are supposed to do, go to college, get a skill, get a job and support themselves.  He doesn’t seem to have the same goals.  Ask him what he wants.  He may not be able to answer.  You may have to let him figure it out for himself.  As with most of us, the motivation to change has to be greater than the motivation for keeping things the way they are.  You may need to cut off his monetary support.  All this is not easy for the Mom heart, and won’t be easy for him either.  But as an adult you have no say in quite a few things.  It’s a difficult change to process, but he is is responsible for himself, and the choices he makes.  In my opinion this is the hardest stage of parenthood.  Their choices can break our hearts.  I’ve heard it gets better in a few years with some maturity.

Posted by whizinc on Jun 09, 2014 at 9:20am

Hey, Mom?  It is past time to cut the apron strings.

He has health issues and does nothing to help himself?  Let him suffer the consequences.

He has attention issues, but refuses medication?  Then he does not need to be in college.  The cost of tuition and other things makes that a very costly way of passing time…  His medical issues are his own, yes.  However, if he does not care enough to do what is needed, then you have to deal with that.

He has you picking up after him because he won’t do that for himself?  That may be part of the obesity problem.  Has he been tested for Thyroid and Cortisol problems? Tell him to get that done.

Are you paying his tuition at college?  Why isn’t he working part time?  He could, at least, pay for his own books and transport, in addition to some of his tuition costs.

He is two years past the point where he should have been on his own making a living, if he was not going to do all that he could to complete college with a decent GPA.  He has you doing the financial stuff and he gets a free ride.  Ouch!

Cut him loose, Mom!  Seriously, this is baloney. 

It is time for this young man to grow up and take care of himself.

Yes, it is hard to do.  Yes, you will cry buckets of tears.  But, in the end, you are not helping him by trying to keep him a kid.

Do you really want him living at home with you when he is 50?  If you keep this up, that is exactly what will happen.  He has no motivation to do anything for himself because you are there “helping” him.

Stop the helping.  Boot him out of there or tell him that he is going to pay rent and split the utilities with you.  Tell him to get a job at least part time.

Tell him to begin doing something about his medical issues.  Tell him that as long as you are paying his college costs that he will be expected to carry a GPA of 3.5 or better.  His failure to adhere to what you want for him is based on what you are doing that he should be doing.

I realize that this hurts, but you need to deal with him as an adult; not a child.  He is long past childhood now.

Posted by Dianne in the Desert on Jun 12, 2014 at 11:09pm

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