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difficult ex and his partner

My ex is a “when he can be bothered” kind of dad.
He chose not to be involved in the diagnosis process for our son. He wasnt involved in school issues or social/emotional issues prior to or son being on meds.( lowest dosage you can get)
My problem is they didnt have to see or deal with my son when he was on the verge of depression at age 5/6 due to his adhd affecting everything. I tried diets, exercises, fish oils etc to try tame the adhd. Meds waa my final straw, and it wasnt to make my life easier. It was to try and save my son from the very dark place he was in.
My ex and his partner tell my son, on the rare occasion they have hom, that he doesn’t need his meds, that its going to cause him issues when hes older etc. They even went as far as refusing to give him his meds for a week, then telling me they lost them.
My exs partner believes she knows best because she has add. The thing that is getting to me is that
A. They dont do any parenting
B. They didnt deal with the issues prior to meds
C. They chose not to be involved in the process.

How do I deal with them undermining me as a parent, and how am I meant to get through to them the importance to his mental and emotional well being by taking his meds. He is only on one pill once a day and he decides on weekends wether or not he feels he needs to take his meds. The ex and partner have the mentality that he simply needa to be kept occupied and everything wil be fine.
Im at my whits end, my partner and I have done all the hard work, all the sleepless nights, all the meetings and phone calls from the school and all the holding of this boy when he would cry all day and night because he no one would play or talk to him.

Replies

You have a lot going on and its easy to sense your anger and frustration.  Get hyper motivated to do WHATEVER it takes to get through those feelings towards the ex and the partner.  This steals your heart and soul away from you and your son.  And frankly, he doesn’t deserve a minute of your attention.
Locate and print some relevant articles and mail them to him if you need some action NOW.  As you begin to release some of the pain you’ll easily handle this with both hands tied behind your back…

Posted by jetergirl on Jul 01, 2014 at 4:49am

What about going back to court and getting a court order with evidence from the doctor and school showing that your son does better on meds?  Also showing that you and your partner do the majority of parenting and this is what works.  The judge can then order them to do this.  If they don’t then they are in contempt.  This will benefit your son and also take a lot of pressure off you.

Posted by Sanjosemom22 on Jul 01, 2014 at 5:15am

Im going to sit them down and have an open honest discussion this weekend,hopefully without losing my cool. Hes going there for a week and honestly, im worried.
I live in nz and the courts would do mediation before anything else. And even then our court system is a joke.
Ive already given them teacher and doctors perspectives, even my boy can feel and see the difference in his life with having his meds.
Im at the point that if he doesnt want to do whats right and best for our son, or only see him once every month or 2, then we’re all better off without him involved at all

Posted by lauz86 on Jul 01, 2014 at 5:34am

So frustrating and feel so bad for you all.  What about having your son sitting down and telling them honestly from the heart that he feels better with the meds and wants to take them.  Or even having him write something.  Maybe if it came from him directly they would be more apt to listen?  Please keep us posted.  Best of luck.

Posted by Sanjosemom22 on Jul 01, 2014 at 6:00am

Hes tried but gets the old, adults know best routine.
That applys in most situations. But not this one. Even he is getting frustrated. every step of the way ive asked him how it makes him feel, how he feels when he doesn’t take it etc. He wants to take it because it “stops his brain feeling crazy”. Im so frustrated and so is he that they dont get it or bother to understand things from his perspective. Ill put on my big girl pants and lay down the law this weekend and hope for a miracle!

Posted by lauz86 on Jul 01, 2014 at 7:39am

Keep us posted and good luck!!!  We are thinking of you all!

Posted by Sanjosemom22 on Jul 01, 2014 at 7:41am

I’m not sure how old your son is, but what about just packing his meds in his stuff he takes with him & then if the ex/partner refuse to “give” it to him he has his own hidden supply.  No idea if he’s responsible & mature enough that you’d feel comfortable with that or not…

Posted by BC on Jul 01, 2014 at 8:01am

First, does your ex have any custody rights? If not, I would just sign your son up for a “Big Brother” and forget about it.

Second, you shouldn’t feed guilty about putting your child on meds because it makes your life easier. I keep my son, who is nine, on meds because when he isn’t on them, he is rude and defiant, doesn’t sleep and is generally difficult to live with. Of course he is easy to deal with if you just leave him alone and don’t ask him to do anything like brush his teeth, put on his shoes, comb his hair, stuff like that. However, it is nearly impossible to get him to do any of those things without a fight unless he is on meds.

If I were you, I would sue for child support and tell your ex to “you know what” off. When he is ready, if ever, to participate in the parenting process, he can contact you.

In the meantime, however, it is important for your son’s sake, not to denigrate your ex. You can say and do whatever you wish in private, but keep your son out of it. It is not your child’s fault that you and your ex couldn’t work things out. So, it is important that you keep your negative opinions to yourself when your son is around. Whether he is a lousy father or any kind of father doesn’t matter. He is your son’s father and your son probably loves him and it would be harmful if he hears you say negative things about his dad.

I hope what I said wasn’t too harsh and was even helpful.
Sue H in PC, Ohio

Posted by SueH on Jul 01, 2014 at 3:58pm

You don’t say how old your son is now, but if it were me I just might give my son his meds and let him take them himself without any input from the parents.  If he is responsible enough… But at the very least you should be documenting every refusal, every phone call, etc.  You may have to eventually lawyer up and you want to be ready.

And why the choice on the weekends to not take the meds?  I think pediatric psychiatrists are moving away from medicine holidays.  We don’t do them anymore.  It just causes too much stress and anxiety and if our daughter goes two days without meds the first day back on is not a good day - not because of the meds, but because it takes a bit for her body to readjust.  Its sort of like asking a kid if they want a glasses holiday and then sending them out into the world, kind of not helpful.  If he needs them on Friday what makes Saturday so different?  He still has ADHD - and the disorder do not only affect school success but also home success, peer success, learning success - and kids are learning from their environment all day, every day.  He might be more reluctant to go without at your ex’s too then and may be able to advocate for himself.

In any case, though I understand how colossally difficult it can be, just keep being patient and try to convince them of the wisdom of the meds.  You never know when someone might get it.

Posted by YellaRyan on Jul 02, 2014 at 1:29am

Thanks guys. Ive always made sure my thoughts and feelings are mine and never said when my son is around/awake. Hes almost 8. Will take all your advice on board. Thanks smile

Posted by lauz86 on Jul 02, 2014 at 4:36am

So the medication side of things went well while my boys were at their dads.
My adhd son asked my fiance if he could kicks his dads ass for him. This was out of the blue while they were doing the dishes. So I sat the boys down and was told that dad went out partying, yelled at them all the time, kicked them etc.
I wish id known this when I picked them up!!
Im really pissed off at him. He hasnt seen them for 2 months and then treats them like crap. And kicking them?!  The boys dont want to go back and I dont want to send them back knowing what they will have to deal with. All I heard (aand the kids) was how terrible they were for everyone who looked after them ( I explained they havnt seen him for 2 months and were sent all over the place rather than spending time with him, of course theyll play up) the thing is he doesnt in any way, see that what hes doing when he sees them, (and we never know when the next time will be) is causing the behaviour.  Even when I explained it to him he brushed it off and blamed the kids. Age 5 and 7 theyre not going to be angels, and god they drive me near insanity some days but I know where I go wrong and I right it. I need to call him and have the discussion but I’m scared ill lose it completely and say something ill regret. Any help suggestions??

Posted by lauz86 on Jul 13, 2014 at 12:06am

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