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ADHD in Iowa

help marriage on brink of divorce!!!!!

I’m a 40 year old man I was diagnosed with adhd at age 7. My wife and I are separated ( have been for about 5 months now.) the problem that I am having is she don’t want any or give me any physical attention. I love my wife and I want to work things out with her. I struggle with the lack of physical attention. I get upset when she don’t want to have any sort of physical attention. That puts me in a bad predicament because all I do is push her away farther from me. Can anyone give me some advice on managing my frustration? I feel like a worthless jerk. I beat myself up when she rejects me. She is mad at me because we both have put too much focus on sex over the years. I don’t want to fight with her and I believe in my heart that we are soul mates. There is something deep between us and right now she fails to see it because she is upset with me. I know that sex isn’t the most important thing in our marriage. I have made changes but it always come back to sex. for years she always gave into me and now she resents me for her choices.

Replies

Would she he willing to go to marriage counseling?

Sex and physical intimacy are an important part of marriage. For her to cut it out completely is not fair to either of you. Is there something else going in in her life that could have impacted her self esteem?

Posted by NeverAlone on Jan 02, 2014 at 4:19pm

It sounds to me that there are deeper core issues affecting your marriage, and if your wife feels as though you put too much focus on sex in the past, and perhaps she felt pressure from you about wanting sex, she wants you to focus on the other stuff before sex resumes. Women are looking for security and someone who is capable of “taking charge”, and if you feel like a worthless jerk, you apparently have self-esteem issues and confidence issues. If you guys are legally separated, she may have found another outlet for her needs. She’s permitted to do that, you know.

It sounds like the only way back into her heart is to take any and all pressure off of her and work on the other issues.

It’s not an answer you want to hear, and it is certainly not easy, in fact it’s enormously difficult, but it sounds to me that if you really want to save the marriage, more than you just want sex, you have to prove that to her. It ain’t gonna happen overnight. Good luck.

Posted by Tom K on Jan 03, 2014 at 1:36am

I must say that from my own experience with my ADHD husband, most women want to be nurtured and cared for in other ways besides sex. When my husband speaks to me in a disrespectful manner and doesn’t appreciate what i do for him and our family, then i begin to resent him for such treatment, especially when he wants to be intimate after verbally abusing me.  It feels like a roller coaster…  One minute you’re hateful & rude to me as if i’m a stranger… then you expect me to get intimate.  Women arent wired that way. We want our lovers to give emotional love and respect first.

My husband & i recently started couples therapy, but it’s not helping as quickly as i hoped. After 30 years together, I am still trying to accept how his ADHD brain works.  It’s still hard for hubby to slow down his brain long enough to understand anyone elses thoughts & feelings. He wants to believe he’s always right, no matter what the topic. Blames everyone else, even when it is obvious that he’s hurt me or someone else with his words. Sometimes he’ll realize a day or 2 later that he was wrong, then he’ll appologize but it’s too late. He already hurt me emotionally then expects everythibg to be alright just because he says “I’m sorry” for the millionth time. I am trying to hang in with the counseling with hopes he will suddenly realize what he is doing to his family.
I could understand you feeling like a worthless jerk, because that’s how i sometimes feel about my husband when he has his episodes & verbally abuses me then acts like everything is fine (when it’s not fine with me).  However, i agree with previous post…  If your wife is willing to seek counseling, perhaps you can both get a better understanding of how each other “ticks”.  Counseling takes time & effort, but if you love each other, it’s certainly worth a try.  And YOU deserve credit for reaching out to others for advice or assistance. It shows you’re trying and that’s a start.  Right??  Good luck.

Posted by MotherKnowsBest on Jan 05, 2014 at 3:00am

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