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please help at a loss

My 9 year old daughter was diagnosed 2 weeks ago with adhd innatentive type. My support system isn’t the greatest and in new to dealing with this. I need suggestions on things to try to help her focus on a task and develop friendships. I’ve looked online and i have tried talking to people and all i get is i don’t know answers. We have tried step by step directions but it only frustrate her. you can also get whole of me on yahoo messenger shortstuff55734 or Facebook silvermyst77 please in your add let me know your from here as i don’t add random people. In looking for people i can talk to when i have questions and they can talk to me

Replies

My first suggestion would be to check through the forums here and look for other postings as other people may have already addressed this and could provide more help than I, and much more eloquently.
Beyond that, supports also depend on what part of the country you’re in. In southern California there’s a great spot called Sharp Mesa Vista that can do some great stuff in a very short amount of time.
If you’re not local to this area, you can look them up online and give them a call, they should be able to put you in contact with a similar facility near you.
As for immediate help with your daughter, the biggest gifts you can give her and yourself are patience and acceptance. This isn’t a cold that will get better overnight, and “traditional” parenting techniques don’t usually work to well with our kids. Consistency is HUGE. You can NOT give ultimatums, or promises, and then not follow through. The chaos inside their heads is something that the rest of us can not fathom, and she will need you to be her anchor.
All that being said, develop a routine for all daily tasks/chores and stick to it/them. Just give her what you want the end result to be (i.e. clean her room) and let her help you figure out how get it done (make bed first, then pick up clothes, then put away toys, etc.). Do not give up after a week/month, just stick to it.
Provide as much consistency as possible, and give as much heads up to her as possible if the schedule is going to change. Our kids don’t usually handle schedule shifts too well.
I hope some of this helps. Good luck!!!

Posted by lawstnthawt on Jul 08, 2013 at 8:58am

REPOSTED BY MODERATOR TO COMBINE DUPLICATE THREADS

Look for your local CHADD chapter, they offer a ton of support for parents.

Posted by 3adhdboys on Jul 08, 2013 at 2:14am -

Posted by adhdmomma on Jul 08, 2013 at 3:57pm

The more you know about ADD, the better. Go to your local library and take out some books. We all have our favourites.  I like “Taking Charge of ADHD” by Dr. Russell Barkley.  He also has a great YouTube video called “Essential Ideas for Parents”.  I also like “Smart but Scattered” by Peg Dawson and “ADHD - living without brakes” by M. Kutscher.

The more you understand about ADHD, the better you can help your child.

Is there a support group in your area you can join? You have to do some research, but hopefully you can talk to other parents who are going through the same thing.

Good luck!

Posted by staypositive on Jul 08, 2013 at 3:59pm

I agree with all of the recommendations above.  In addition, you may want to reach out to your local school district to begin setting up an IEP or 504 plan for accommodations while at school.  Our school district has been wonderfully supportive of my 7 year old son.  They also hold monthly meetings for parents of special needs children and I’ve found that the majority of parents there have ADD children, so the networking with other parents in our neighborhood has been wonderful! 

Additionally, find a local CHADD group for lots of help and support.

Finally, I like the following two books (although I’ve read about 6 now…)  Superparenting for ADD by Hallowell and Jensen and for my little guy, The Survival Guide for kids with ADD or ADHD.  In this book, he was able to review a checklist to let me know what’s going on at school on an academic and a social level.  It was interesting sitting with him as we reviewed the lists and he checked off the items where he struggled and we discussed the items where he was doing very well.  The book is written so a child can interact.  Because of his ADHD (inattentive and hyperactive), it took 3 days to complete the checklist and another 2 days to complete the entire book, but we kept at it every night.

Best of luck to you!

Posted by DP0706 on Jul 08, 2013 at 6:47pm

Hell there, I agree with a previous poster, look thru this site and you will obtain much information. I have a 5 year old that we decided not to medicate and use an alternative behavior shaping program and another by the same company to keep him on task. If you are interested then peruse the medication and treatment section on this site. They are working for us and I found them here, thru this site. Best to you.

Posted by Elly on Jul 08, 2013 at 8:39pm

One thing at a time.  Literally.  And limited time requirements.

So, for example, my 9 year old daughter who has ADD cannot handle, “Practice your piano, then do your homework, then read for 30 minutes”  That alone overwhelms her.  She needs simply, “Practice your piano.” and even that can overwhelm because her teacher gives her a bunch of lessons to work on and a time.  So I give her one or the other - I say either “Practice for 20 minutes” and let her figure out what she’s going to do, or “Pick three lessons and do those”

I always tell my husband (who also has ADd by the way but seems to understand it the least!) she is not a point and direct child.  You can’t just say “Clean your room” and expect it to happen.  She needs guidance, accompaniment, just company, I dunno but she doesn’t do things on her own!  But if I really want something done I have to say “Let’s go do…” So mornings she gets dressed in my room with me because she loses track of time, her clothes, her school work, you name it - it gets lost!  But if I say, “Let’s go get dressed” some parts I help, like picking out clothes (2 choices only by the way for ADD brains - anything more and you get overwhelm and will spend a lot of time calming them down!), loading her toothbrush or she’ll forget to put it on.  And somethings we do together, brushing out hair, etc.

But this is ADD with a 9 year old.  And no matter how frustrated or upset they get, and lash out at you, you have to stay calm.  Because a parent losing it is a sure way for you to have a meltdown on your hands. Believe me I have made that mistake more times than I like to admit!

And finally I’d say, if you use electronic devices in your house, use them strategically.  I have gotten absolutely no traction by taking away electronics for misbehaving.  But I have gotten a lot of use out of using them to get her to where I want her.  “Brush your hair and teeth and then you can watch videos for 20 minutes” works wonders.  But they have to not be watching videos at the time!  Of course you can always have them put it away “right now and go brush teeth and hair” and when they squirrel you just say “OK, fine you can have 20 more minutes after”  But threats like “If you don’t do it I will take away your…” never have ever worked well for me.  I end up with a meltdown, with a gollup of resentment on top, and a good portion of “you’re the worst mother in the world” just for a topper.

And this is on meds.  All these strategies work well on meds.  When she is having a day off it is much more difficult and requires miles more patience.

Best of luck.

Posted by YellaRyan on Jul 09, 2013 at 3:38am

Thanks for all the advice!  I live in Minnesota and would love to find a support group

Posted by silvermyst77 on Jul 09, 2013 at 6:51am

please get ahold of us,my wife and I need to talk with anyone that has the same situation and we love to help,I do computer work for a living and am all over the net,not a lot of time but when It comes to my child we will do anything.facebook is walt goode.hope we can help.good luck.i found a good profesor on the you tube but I cant find the link.Im sure if you look and type in the right question you can find it,also a lot of diffrent places helped.about.com,phil cooke ,look for his site,start with google,i know its there

Posted by wally g on Jul 10, 2013 at 6:54am

As I read each reply to this thread I thought, ‘yep, that’s true’ over and over again.  My daughter, 13 and son, 17 both have adhd.  Something new we’ve just started, at the recommendation of a friend and psychology professor is Cogmed Working Memory Training that can be beneficial for educational progress.  It is a free app for the Ipad.  Not sure about fee for Kindle.  There was an article in Developmental Science (2013), pp 1-12. 

We use meds for my daughter and they were life changing.  My son is managing without meds. 

We have a 504 plan for my daughter that is very helpful.  Not all schools are equal when it comes to accommodations/flexibility/acceptance.  I’d say don’t be afaid to change schools if you find things aren’t going well.

Friendships are super important especially as kids head toward their tween years.  I try to encourage my daughter to set up plans in advance for sleepovers each weekend.  Also, I try to stay within listening distance for some of the social time so that later we can talk through things that occurred that may have been handled in a different, and more friendship friendly way (remembering that kids with adhd can be several years behind in their development).  In the car, driving my child and one or more friends to/from an activity is a great way to gain clues as to how she is doing socially. 

We’ve tried face book and instagram, but haven’t liked what we’ve seen on either.  Each seems to be an arena for kids to hurt each other.  Therefore, we’ve nixed both.  Also, kids tend to text a lot later in the evenings when meds have worn off - that is something else to be super cautious of.  During the school year (our school starts at 7:30 a.m.) we say no electronic devices after 6:30 p.m. for my daughter.

Best of luck!

Posted by SJF04 on Jul 10, 2013 at 5:16pm

Research and talkinf to other parents of ADHD children helps a lot. We also found a great counselor. Find what works for your child and remember you are gonna make mistakes. My son is 11 and was diagnosed in the 1st grade. We tried diet and eventually did use meds because I want him to be successful and it helps. Plus switching to a school that was an arts school helped him, he needed that creative outlet. Academics still overwhelm him but I am constant touch with his teachers and am my son’s biggest advocate. His father also had ADD and ran a successful business. So I know that he can be successful. Be encouraged. It is hard and some days you may feel like I can’t deal with this but your child is most important and you will get through and raise a healthy, successful child!

Posted by brolling58 on Jul 10, 2013 at 5:29pm

The program we are using has counselors as well. We have learned that he loves to go fishing and loves “fied chicken”. We now go on our fishing trips, picnic, take naps under the sun and he takes a friend. This is such a great advancement for all of our family. Remember you are a great parent something me and hubby had to learn the hard way. We took this personally and left my son outside the door. We weren’t helping at all and were listening to family and friends that insisted he be medicated. We just felt he was too young. So, now we play attention and don’t pay attention to the judgment of others! My motto as always: “we can change our minds.” Hang in there but don’t hang tight. We know how you feel.

Posted by Elly on Jul 11, 2013 at 12:19am

Just remember,there are a lot of people that outgrew and overcome there adhd,I belive you can get to a point that you can talk yourself out of needing meds.I looked an answer up on y answers and found some very insperational stories,dont give up hope.pox vobisvum!!!

Posted by wally g on Jul 11, 2013 at 5:16am

I also have a 9 yr old daughter with inattentive adhd, we had too seek counseling she is now going to get her auditory hearing tested they said that culd contributing your her issues at school, and then more therapy for depression from being bullied in school.

I wish i had advice but i’m in the dark here too, all i know is structure and routine works best for my daughter, and i live in alabama, there aren’t any support froups aroounf me ,i tried to find you on fb but couldn’t find you.

Posted by rtrmomoffive on Jul 12, 2013 at 8:27pm

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