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ADHD in Women

so tired of being hated for something i can't control

I’m so tired of being hated and isolated because I’ve had adhd my whole life. I just started Vyvanse, and i love it. I feel in control and happy and want to share that happiness with my loved ones, but it’s been years of problems because nobody understood why i acted the way i did. Nobody understood that i have a brain condition that makes me act impulsively or say the wrong things. I just feel so unloved and isolated right now. I try to talk my mom but she just blames me for everything. My parents are yellers.  Always have been. But I am so sensitive right now that I just break down crying when we try to talk. It’s not like i asked to be this way. It’s not like i was in the womb thinking, “hmm let’s wire the brain this way so i can cause as much bad shit as possible throughout my life”. My husband has only ever known unmedicated me. It’s been a hard six years. But i feel so good on the Vyvanse that maybe we can finally heal. We can finally communicate with each other without it being a fight. But last night, I was told by his brother that my in laws can’t stand me either.  I was kicked out of school bc my adhd shined through one too many times, which is what prompted me to get treatment. My daughter is five years old and doesn’t respect me at all, probably because she has only ever known unmedicated mommy.  I’m just going through such a hard emotional time right now bc i finally feel capable of having relationships, but nobody seems to want one with me. It’s painful to hear someone say “you’ve been horrible since I’ve known you”. It hurts when my little girl won’t pick up her toys and says “cant we just leave the house messy?“because that’s what she’s used to. Unorganized adhd chaos.  I finally feel capable of getting our lives on track and it seems like nobody else is on board.  Its so weird bc my med makes me feel happy, but my heart just feels alone. It’s bittersweet. Also, I have no idea how to get my life on track. How to teach my daughter to help around the house. How to heal my marriage when there’s so much resentment coming from my husband. How to repair the relationships with my mom and dad.  I’m just alone. My adhd has pushed everyone i love away. And they all think i don’t love them. Can i fix this ? Or should i just cut my losses and not let them hurt me anymore?

Replies

I can comment on your post from the viewpoint of a mom who has dealt with a lot of drama from my 18-year old daughter over the past five years. We just recently got the ADHD diagnosis, and I am only beginning to understand how ADHD has played a role in her behavior. It makes a lot more sense now, but it still was no easy matter dealing with it. (She could be in your position soon if I hadn’t gotten this information now because I’ve running out of patience.)

It sounds like your family relationships have suffered for years, and it will take time to repair and rebuild them. It’s great that you’ve found something that works for you, and I expect you would be very happy to feel better!

But they don’t know what’s going on inside you; all they know is what they’ve learned from the past. If you consider their perspective, ADHD is not your “fault”, but you are the person who took the actions that caused the rift. People will need to learn over time that you really have changed. Maybe you’ll have to educate some about ADHD, maybe you’ll have to apologize for past actions. Not sure exactly what it’ll take, but it’s fair to assume it will take time, consistent demonstration of the “new you”, and patience.

My daughter and I have had good periods and tough times. Each time I’ve thought—ok, she’s changed—then it happens again. We are going through a tough time right now, but this time I understand better what’s going on in her head; it’s still hard to deal with, but I am able to be more patient and forgiving knowing it’s her ADHD at work….not simply a difficult, unreasonable, erratic person.

Perhaps you can start by focusing on relationships at home: your husband and child. Your child is young; if you are consistent with rules and boundaries, she’ll get the picture and adapt. (She’s not trying to hurt you by refusing to pick up, she’s just being a 5 year old who’s not accustomed to picking up toys.) You and your husband are communicating, and that is key. Perhaps a counselor can help keep that communication and healing going. Or maybe you will just keep showing him the “new you” and he’ll come to trust that things are truly different.

Once you get more “solid” home relationships, hopefully you will feel stronger (and have your husband as an ally) as you work to show your parents and in-laws that you have changed as you consistently demonstrate the “new you”.

I know my daughter is a good, loving person…but her behavior doesn’t always show it. It does push me away, and it has pushed away a lot of her friends. She’s still learning that people will only tolerate so much.

I wish you all the best. smile

Posted by Late2TheGame on Jul 22, 2014 at 5:55am

Great advice from Late2thegame.

Instead of trying to explain anything to anyone right now, just begin to be the new person you are. Let your actions do the talking, and be willing to give it time. You’re still not going to be perfect (no one is), and you may slip up sometimes. Know ahead of time that you will forgive yourself when you do.

Pick a couple of goals you want to accomplish, like keeping the house organized (make it a game with your daughter) and repairing one aspect of your relationship with your husband. Don’t try to fix everything at once. Keep it small for now so you can see progress and build a new routine. When you can maintain those routines without thinking about it much (at least three weeks) , add another one.

This site has lots of helpful resources, and you may benefit from counseling even if your husband doesn’t want to go. When you change, other things change around you. Be patient (so hard, I know), but you will see a difference.

Posted by Beesknees on Jul 22, 2014 at 3:31pm

First it is great that you feel better.  Focus on that. I also agree that you should focus on 1 relationship at a time.  I would pick your daughter because she is not 5 years old, she is ONLY 5 years old.  My daughter was 15 years old when I was able to actively start changing our relationship.  I promise you can regain a 5 year olds respect much faster than you can a 15 year olds.  My daughter is now 20 and I can see small changes but she still repeatedly reminds me of the times I would forget things she told me or forget to pick her up, etc and her favorite nick name for me is “crazy old lady”.  I especially liked the suggestion of turning cleaning up into a game, maybe something with small incentive surprises.  I am in no way trying to minimize the work you have ahead of you with her, but unlike you I can only imagine what kind of a relationship I could have had with my 15 year old daughter.  You get to imagine it and then look forward to it.  Good luck

Posted by restlessinbr on Jul 22, 2014 at 5:42pm

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